Month: January 2015

Rambling On and On

Yesterday was pretty good as far as extra days off from school go. As I had hoped Marshall was in a good mood after getting his punching bag (which is a really nice one, btw) and didn’t stir up any trouble at all. Regina’s boyfriend came over late in the afternoon, which made her happy and the baby took a good nap so he wasn’t a cranky pants in the early evening. Aidan is swamped at work so he got home a little later than usual but he quickly set up the punching bag and even gave Regina’s boyfriend a ride home after dinner, which meant a lot to me considering how tired he probably was.

I had made a late lunch of cheese burgers for myself and the kids using the beef I was planning on using for dinner. Of course when dinner time rolled around I had absolutely no idea what to make and had to work hard to come up with an idea. Our freezer is stocked with chicken and beef but it’s obviously all frozen and I’d never be able to get it to defrost in an hour or less. I rummaged around for 15 minutes repeating over and over “I don’t know what I’m going to do.” I realized I had some pepper and onions and plenty of cheese and tortilla shells so I made veggie quesadillas. It certainly wasn’t the highlight of cooking but they made everyone happy and filled them up.

After dinner I pulled out enough meat for tonight and tomorrow and feel better about life. I truly hate not being prepared ahead of time for dinner. If I know what I am making ahead of time my life runs 1,000% smoother. I was doing a pretty decent job with making a weekly menu and keeping up with it but I somehow veered off. I think I went wrong when I started trying to make two weeks worth of menus and then even a months worth. Ideally, a month would be super awesome but for some reason it truly is challenging for me to think up all those meals at once. I think making the menu ahead of time makes it easy because not only does it take away the guess work everyday but it also cuts back on trips to the market and helps me keep food costs low. One of my resolutions is to do a months worth of planning and since February is a short month I think I will target that for then. If I start it in the next few days it will give me enough time to think it through.

I wasn’t able to paint my nails yesterday. Regina slept late and I didn’t want to wake her up by searching around in her room for the polish and after she woke up I only remembered at random and inconvenient times that I had wanted to get them done. I’ll try again today though :)

Marshall is staying home from school today because he isn’t feeling well. I didn’t fight with him the way I did with Regina 2 weeks ago but that is because he is more believable. He usually acts difficult in the morning and when he doesn’t want to go for the sake of just not wanting to he makes it clear. This morning he just asked me for tissues and said I really don’t feel good, please don’t make me go. If he wakes up in an hour seemingly normal I’ll just drive him in, but I don’t think that will be the case.

There have been germs all over this house lately. I don’t know what is going on but I seriously can’t wait to open the windows and get some fresh air moving in here. They are calling for a few measly inches of snow again tomorrow and I’m really giving up hope that we will have an actual storm this winter. I know it’s early but that’s just the way it seems. Regina asked me why I said I can’t wait til spring and then how bad I want a storm. I told her I felt like if it’s going to be this cold we might as well get some excitement out of it. Shoveling snow off of my roof is so exciting. No, it’s really not. Watching the news when there are big storms, drinking hot chocolate, eating snacks  and watching inches and inches of snow piling up outside is exciting to me though. Weird? Maybe. I think a lot of other people feel the same way though.

I’ve got some straightening up to do and I haven’t done my laundry in a few days. Falling off! I will get back on track tho. I’ve got three loads to catch up on. I’ve been great about the kitchen at least :) There are toys everywhere that need to be picked up and I have a little time before Henry wakes up so I’d better make the most of it. Have a nice day!

Another Monday

Well, the kids have off from school today. It’s Martin Luther King Day and I am glad that I was able to sleep late. I wish Aidan was off too, but he isn’t. I don’t have anything special planned for their day off but Marshall’s therapist is taking him to buy a punching bag. She thinks it will be a healthy outlet for him to get his anger and frustrations out. I have hopes that it will help him. He used to go to the boxing gym a few years a go but gave up after a month of not being able to spar and being told to focus on his workouts while he was there. They made him run and do a lot of push ups and pull ups and what-not’s. Anyway, we will see if this is helpful for him.

Aidan was going to take Henry to visit his parents yesterday but there was an ice storm through the early afternoon that shut all the bridges down and created a lot of accidents. After the temps rose it was a lot of heavy rain and I was happy when he decided not to go. We didn’t do much at all yesterday, just acted lazy and relaxed. Regina was going to go out with her friends but I guess her ride fell through and I was relieved for that as well. I know she was bored but at least she was safe. Marshall went to watch football with his dads family and sent me a text at 6 asking when I was picking him up. This threw me off guard because we never even talked about me giving him a ride. I didn’t even know where he was. He was trying to trick me or bully me or something but I said that I wasn’t driving anywhere and he didn’t give me a hard time. I guess he was bored or fed up with them and didn’t want to wait for them to bring him home. He didn’t get here until almost 11pm.

I’m really glad the kids are off today. Not that I want them here driving me crazy though. I just feel so out of it and would have had a hard time getting them organized and off to school. I hope they get along today. Hopefully Marshall will be in a good mood and entertained with his punching bag. His alarm was going off for about 40 minutes when I came down this morning. I went and shut it off and he didn’t even move, another reason I am glad they are off. I think Regina’s boyfriend will be here today and the only thing I want to do for myself is paint my nails. I removed my polish yesterday and didn’t get any further than that.

I don’t have much else to say — I guess I’m still to sleepy to think. I’m going to get a shower now and then see where the day goes. I hope you have a nice day!

A Case of the Dummies

When I was in high school there was a term that was used to describe the way one acted after a night of hard partying, specifically related to smoking a lot of pot. It was known as having a case of the dummies. Basically you were just dumb. You weren’t able to talk well, remember things, or function to normal capacity.

Well, I certainly haven’t smoked a lot or any pot in God knows how long, but from time to time I get like that. When it happens it is kind of funny but it usually happens at home where I don’t come across as a huge ass in front of people who don’t know me. Yesterday, however, I got a case of the dummies in the checkout lane of a crowded super market.

After my daughter and I did a quick shop and I got in line I asked her to grab thing of water that we forgot. The cashier was super fast and rung my items up so quickly that my daughter hadn’t returned by the time she was done. She was kind while we waited an extra minute for my daughter to bring the huge counter water dispenser to the lane. The lady behind was the exact opposite of kind though and I received many dirty looks while we waited and again as my daughter tried to get past her to put the water on the belt. The rude woman even tried to block her from getting through but my daughter politely said excuse me three times and smiled until the bitch stepped aside. We were slowing her life down by a minute. The world was crumbling. I apologized without a response from her and we proceeded to finish the check out.

Then the dummies set in. Immediately as I swiped my debit card my mind went completely blank. For the life of me I couldn’t remember the pin number. I put in what I thought hard about it being.

“Try again,” the cashier said smiling.
I tried a different combination. “Unauthorized.” I can’t believe this is happening. I said so out loud.
“Okay, you can try again.” the cashier said not even fazed.
The numbers just jumped out of my brain. “Unauthorized.”

Oh my, God! Why is this happening. I quickly searched through my bag looking for the letter from the bank with my pin number on it, knowing damn well I took it out when I cleaned my purse out 2 weeks ago.

“Can you run it through as credit?” the cashier asked.
“Yes! I’ll do that!”
“Unauthorized.” Now I’m getting death stares from the lady behind me who I’ve slowed down by another minute.
“Oh, they freeze accounts after a few wrong entry’s sometimes, that’s probably what happened. I’ll pend the order while you figure out what to do” she said.

The cashier wasn’t being rude but she was acknowledging the fact that the lady behind me was in a super rush to pay for her groceries. She was probably also trying to prevent a hole from being burned through my forehead by this woman’s death stare.

My daughter suggested I just write a check while I unsuccessfully called Aidan for the third time to ask him to look at the pin number I stashed in the bank file. I hung up the phone took her advice and pulled my checkbook out while the cashier to was ringing up the lady who was in a hurry. “Oh you can go pay at the front counter. They have your order pending over there,” another employee said to me as she pointed to the customer service desk.

I went over to the desk and quickly paid by check. All was fine again but I was so embarrassed that it even happened and irritated with the impatient lady behind me.  What did make me feel better though was that despite the extra time it took to go through all of that we still left the store ahead of the impatient lady.

On top of that I happened to be in the car in front of hers as we were leaving the parking lot so I was sure to take my time at all the stop signs and let another car go ahead in front of me. She was probably having a shitty day or had to pee or something and now I feel a little bad, but she made me feel worse about my life and the case of the dummies I was suffering through than I was already feeling, so screw her.

No Stranger to Anxiety

I’ve been an anxious person for most of my adult life. Everyday things stress me out more than they should and I am always worried about something. Anything really. People are always telling me to relax — from my close family members, to acquaintances to strangers who recognize the angst on my face.

Lately, my anxiety has risen to new levels. Nothing seems to go right and I always feel like I can’t breathe. Ever since we’ve started with this new therapy I feel like I am on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. It’s not good. I realize this. But I don’t know how to stop it. I’m on edge and I just want it to stop.

My anxious nature has been the topic of discussion around here over the past few weeks. Marsall wishes “she would just calm down about everything.” I’m stressing Aidan out with my short fuse. Regina pointed out to me that I’m slowly going back to avoiding things and putting them off until later, which was something I did for years and years.

I brought it up in therapy yesterday morning because I need help. I can’t stand feeling like this. I’m always on edge, like everything is going or will go wrong, like the feeling that I have a million important things to do but can’t remember any of them. Our therapist didn’t offer much advice. She said it’s because we are making big changes and it is scary and hard. She said we have to get through it for things to get better. I agree with the why but what if they don’t get better? What if I just get worse and become stuck here in Anxiety-ville?

I haven’t had this level of anxiety in years. I know it’s because of therapy. Changes are hard but somehow I have talked about and have been reminded so much about the past that I feel like I am back there. Trapped there. It’s awful. It’s not fair to Aidan either. For me to be constantly worked up based on things that were happening 5-15 years ago in my life. I don’t want to be there. I don’t want to think about it anymore. My life sucked then, it doesn’t now. My life is awesome now, aside from this anxiety and these big kids acting up. I just want to bury my head in the sand, but I know that won’t help anything or anyone. Why can’t I just happily bask in the now?

I’m just going to keep pushing through it. I guess it will make me or break me. Of course I want it to make me a stronger mother. One who won’t tolerate shit. I’ve got to find a way to get rid of these disturbing feelings though. The ones that make minor nuisances feel like the whole universe is falling down around me. I’m going to keep writing and I’ll keep making my lists. I’ll do the things that need to be done so I have less to feel stressed over. I’ll keep being firm and know that it will have results. The results I want as opposed to the results the big kids want.

And just in case you are wondering what types of things get me worked up to the point where I feel like I’m drowning here are some examples of what got to me in the past 24 hours:

  • My laptop wanted to run updates and did so despite me clicking “later.”
  • I took a mug out of the cabinet that my ex-husband bought me years ago
  • Marshall asked multiple times where Aidan was sitting at the dinner table last night
  • I couldn’t find a puzzle piece for one of Henry’s puzzles
  • There is a glob of something on the kitchen floor
  • The spaghetti sauce I was cooking last night spurted all over the stove
  • I couldn’t easily put cheese onto the garlic bread because it was too far back in the toaster
  • One of the therapists arrived a few minutes late and didn’t close the door when she came in
  • There are finger prints on the windows
  • I have phone calls to make

These are all ridiculous things to worry about, to be annoyed to the point that they are still bothering me, and none of them are worth the level of stress I feel about any of them. I realize that. I just can’t make it go away. And it stresses me out all the more.

Ugh. I feel really shitty and I just want to feel normal.

A Necessary Nuisance

We live right up the street from the fire house and while there was one time when we actually did have a fire here and did need the fire department to save our house from burning to the ground I otherwise find it completely annoying. Let me clarify.. I find the siren on the fire house completely annoying.

It didn’t always bother me. Up until they renovated the fire station and moved the siren closer to our house I never even paid it any mind. When they did the renovation they must have also upgraded the old siren and now it’s just so much louder than it needs to be.

The damn thing is so loud that you can’t hear the television or radio over it no matter how loud either may be. It is so loud that your conversations and thoughts are interrupted. The baby wakes up if it goes off while he’s sleeping and when he was an infant he was terrified of it. Calming him down always took close to 10 minutes and it goes off multiple times a day. Henry still gets antsy when he hears it but thankfully he’s finally no longer terrified.

It used to be that the siren just blended into everyday life. I rarely heard it. Not because it wasn’t going off, or it goes off more often now, it just wasn’t ear-piercing as it is now. Aside from the fire station being up the block there is a hospital a few more blocks away so we hear a ton of ambulance sirens throughout the day. Those aren’t as shrilling or annoying but they’re still not a peaceful sound, that’s for sure.

I can’t wait to move to the country. I’ll be making sure the next house isn’t next to a fire station or a hospital or a police station. None of those thoughts crossed my mind when I bought this house. Live and learn.

Please don’t get me wrong; I’m super grateful for the fire department and the fire fighters and the difficult job they do. I also realize that I am lucky to be so close to help. I just really hate that fucking siren and wish it wasn’t so loud.

Normal List of To-Do’s

I’ve got a ton of stuff to get done today and tomorrow. There is some stomach bug going around here and though it hasn’t officially gotten me yet, yesterday I was feeling so tired that I didn’t get anything done. That might just be the pregnancy, hopefully any way! I didn’t vacuum like I usually do on Wednesdays or go to the bank to make my weekly deposit. I gave myself a day off but seeing as today is Thursday I want to get all caught up on everything before the weekend. I am just going to make my list of things here, because I haven’t gotten a new notebook yet.

  • Go through papers on desk
  • File
  • Pay bills
  • Go to bank
  • Pull beef out for dinner
  • Figure out dinner Friday
  • Figure out dinner Saturday
  • Have family over Sunday if everyone is feeling better
  • Fold laundry
  • Check appointment book is up to date
  • Make appointment for Henry
  • Make dentist appointment
  • Vacuum
  • Put ornaments in new container — bring upstairs
  • Clean windows
  • Clean bathroom
  • Pull out maternity clothes and see if they still fit
  • Put too small of clothes for Henry upstairs
  • Repaint nails
  • Do a mask!!

I certainly like writing in a notebook better. That way I can add things and cross them off because I know I will think of more that needs to be done. Maybe I’ll look for one today.

Exciting post, huh? Well, my life is fairly boring and that’s just that. What do your to-do’s look like? Similar to mine?

On a side note, I think I am going to be changing the way I categorize and tag my posts.. Any tips on using categories? I always use “life”, but I think that might work better as a tag. I’ve always struggled with categories and try to keep tags to a minimum.

Let Me Learn You Some Reality, Kid

I’ve been trying to decide what to write about for the past hour and can’t come up with anything solid. So before I waste all of my writing time “thinking” I figured it’s better to just start writing. I’m running the second load of wash right now. Both of them have been Marshall’s clothes. He is a hot mess. His room is really a pig sty and I heard the shower in his bathroom dripping so when I went in to turn it off I was overwhelmed by the smell of piss. This kid never flushes his toilet, let alone cleans it. On top off that apparently now it’s too much effort to lift the seat up. That proof is all over his toilet seat. I’m not cleaning it. I’ll show him (again) how to do it when he gets home from school, but I refuse to clean what is slowly becoming the equivalent of a gas station bathroom.

Of course I want to go in there with a bottle of bleach and go to town but what is he going to learn if I keep doing that? He keeps running his mouth about how he is moving out when he is 16, ha! I am doubtful that he will be ready to live on his own when he is 25 at this rate. He really does believe that he is grown and I suppose that is a part of being a teenager. I used to fight with him about his idea that he could move out when he is 16, why he even wants to.. Well, anyway now I just entertain him. Sure, you can move out. Sure, I’ll sign emancipation papers. The judge will laugh in your face dude, but I’ll go along with it, just so you can get a dose of reality.

Yesterday we had a pretty good therapy session and he brought up that it hurts his feelings if I say he is lazy. That’s interesting to me because point blank he is lazy. Not to say it’s all the time, no, no, it’s only when it comes to picking up after himself and doing things for himself that he wants other people to do for him. Like making a sandwich, picking up his room, school work, laundry, you get the jist.

I’m really trying to make it so the transition of living at home vs. living on his on in a few years (not months as he is to believe) will be an easy one. I had a rough time for years being organized, orderly and independent. It wasn’t that I wasn’t given chores or responsibility as a kid but more that I didn’t realize how much adults really needed to do. I’ve been telling Marshall and Regina since they were little not to grow up to fast. It’s not all fun and games being an adult and on your own. And God help them if they have children while trying to figure adulthood out at the same time, like I did. There was no time for fun and games.

One step at a time. Or a few little ones then more, anyway.

All I’m saying is that I don’t want them living with me when they are adults. I mean if they are in college and working and etc., it would be fine for a little while but other wise get out. I figure I have 3-4 years left to teach them some serious responsibility. Seems like some time, but if you are a fellow parent you know how quickly that goes.

The Family I Write About

I’ve got 26 posts under my belt so far and I think it’s time to give official names to the people I write about. It’s not that saying the baby, older girl, older boy and fiancee are not clear, but everyone deserves a name. For the sake of anonymity I’ll be making up names but I’d like to be clever about the ones I choose and explain why I’ve chosen them.

I’ll start at the top..

aidanFiancee will now be known as Aidan. I chose this name because of the character Aidan from Sex in the City. My fiancee looks a lot like John Corbett but acts just like Aidan (even more than he looks like him). He is sweet, sexy and supportive. He’s down to earth and likes simplicity.

Older daughter will be Regina. I know this is terrible but we sometimes tease her and reginacall her Regina George from Mean Girls. No, she’s not always mean, but when she is, she is. She’s also very foo-foo. This was a tough one because her twin is some rapper chick named Ashley All Day. But she’s not a thug or a rapper..

emeniemWhich leads me to my older son. He is going to be Marshall. As in Marshall Mathers. Aka Eminem. He thinks he is a thug and he really is a rapper, who happens to blame his mom for everything that is wrong in his life.

henryThe baby.. This one is tough because he is still so young. I’m going to call him Henry because I imagine his father (as a child) being an awful lot like Henry from Once Upon a Time. The baby is a spitting image of his daddy and Henry is just so sweet. He’s about 8 years older than the baby, of course, so we’ll just imagine him younger..

So there you go. There are their new names and a bit more about their personality’s.