Battle of the brains and Marshal is home!

My computers are still not working and it really is driving me mad. I have so much to write about and i am lucky to be able to write from my phone but it’s just not the same :(

Anyway.. what’s going on? Marshal was released from his placement on Wednesday and now he is back home. He is doing so well and he is so happy and I knew he would understand at some point why I fought so hard for him to be sent away. He thanked me multiple times and even said I saved his life. 

I am a little stressed out that I will fail him because he is coming from such a great structured environment back to his chaotic mother. Ok not a little stressed, very stressed. We do have therapy lined up, he’s looking for a job and will be back in school today so those are good things to keep him busy but I still worry.

Regina had a horrible episode this week and ended up in the hospital. She woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me she swallowed a bottle of pills. She told me to make her a dr’s appointment about a month ago and I didn’t fast enough. I had been so caught up in working and dealing with my own shit that I just didn’t take her serious enough.

She is stable and home now but was diagnosed as bipolar. She’s been telling me for a while now, close to a year, that she thought she was and I was in denial about it because I suppose that I felt it would be confirmation that I truly am bipolar and that the doctors aren’t wrong. It makes perfect sense now that I have figured it out and I feel like a terrible mother for not listening to her for my own stupid selfish reasons.

So now she is set up to meet with a new psychiatrist because she “hates” her old one but those appointments take a while so she still has 6 weeks to go. It’s going to be a long six weeks because now I’m scared to death she will do something again.

I feel very overwhelmed to say the least. I’m not freaking out or anything but the stress is getting to me. At my own doctors appointment I was explaining how my brain is all over the place, how I can’t focus on anything and how I have around four projects started and can’t get any of them done. He suggested that I might have ADHD and I’ve been set up with some testing next month. He said a lot of times in my generation it goes undiagnosed because of the way mental health was viewed. I know that I have it. I’ve known for a long time but always thought maybe I was crazy for thinking it because I don’t even know why. It’s one thing after another, I am hoping this will be the final piece of my mental puzzle though. Like the one piece I couldn’t figure out and fix. I hope I can be fixed all the way now :) 

Okay well, I am done writing today, it really is hard on the phone and just thinking about all that shit at one time is making my heart race. I still haven’t finished the cabinet. It’s close.. this close to being done and I am already so proud of my hard work. I really hope to post it soon and then show you my next project that I couldn’t help but start!

Take care everyone. 

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American Kid

Yesterday went okay. Marshal was upset with me at the probation meeting because I was honest about him not listening to me at home and about my concern for him and all of the weed he smokes. He kept saying that I just want him placed out of our home and all I could say was that I want him to be safe.

In my opinion the police are treating him as public enemy number one and I know that is a bit dramatic but they don’t care for him and want to catch him doing anything at this point. He doesn’t realize what a dangerous position that puts him in, especially when he tends to panic and run. Sigh.

The intake officer was nice enough and explained to him that only in the very worst case scenarios will they remove him from the home. I wish he would understand that I only want the best for him, better for him than he has been giving himself lately. He will need to go to court because this is the second time he’s been arrested and will likely be put on probation again. That’s a good thing because it will keep him in the mindset that he can’t get into trouble. It’ll give him some time to cool out and hopefully get the cops off his back.

I think we will end up with family therapy again. That really is a pain but honestly it really does help so much. It’s hard to admit that our life is so difficult and not just a regular do what you need to do and get on with life ordeal. It’s hard to admit that we are messed up but I’m not one to ignore that and I try so hard to get everything moving in the right direction. I just want these kids to be okay and not filled with hate for what they went through in their childhood for the rest of their lives.

I keep hearing that song American Kids by Kenny Chesney in my mind. That’s how I feel about my life, I hope when the kids are my age they will feel the same.

 

More on Marshal

Two days in a row? Yes, sir :) Before I get all super proud of myself or you think I woke up early I’ll let you know that I did not. I got up in enough time to wake Regina up, make her lunch and get her coffee ready to go. The difference today is that I don’t need to wake Marshal up and Aidan isn’t rushing out the door.

Marshal has a meeting at the probation office to find out what will happen from the trouble he got into back in December when he was accused of having a gun (he didn’t) and then ran from the police.

Things never seem to go smoothly all at once around here. Either the big kids are doing well at home and horrible in school or doing well in school but horrible in the neighborhood.

As of now, Marshal has seemed to adjusted well to being placed in special education classes. At home though he is breaking all my rules and disrespecting just about everything I say. Case in point: smoking cigarettes and weed — in my house. As if it’s not bad enough and the main cause of my stress already now he is sneaking it in his room and then blatantly lying about it to my face, despite me being very clear and firm that I won’t allow it.

Also, he had another run in with the law. Apparently his friends foster brother filed a false report but didn’t admit to it until Marshal was in police custody. Once again before the police had him in their custody Marshal tried to run. He surrendered in the long run but he is seriously an idiot and worse he just doesn’t get it.

I don’t know what to do about this kid. Like seriously, have no idea. When we go to the intake meeting I am going to tell the person everything and see what they can do to help. He needs restrictions obviously and the ones I impose he just turns his cheek to. I’m sure at the very least he will have probation for 6 months. This will be good for drug testing and curfew, maybe even therapy. It’ll buy me another 6 months of not constantly worrying each time he walks out the door.

I’m hoping for the school placement I talked about a while ago but I won’t hold my breath. I’ll push for it though.

Well, have a nice day. Wish me luck :)

Avoiding the monster kitchen by writing

Freezer cooking round one — check!

Yesterday I finished cooking up the chicken breasts that were marinading in the fridge. These too are for the freezer but I used a few for dinner last night as sandwiches and they were a crowd-pleaser.

There are a few more pasta recipes and casseroles that I want to make for the freezer also but guess what.. I don’t have any room left in there! That thing is filled to the brim. It’s a nice feeling but also aggravating when trying to get something in or out.

Marshal and a school update..

Yesterday was a follow up for Marshal’s truancy court. He still isn’t in a smaller school and the judge was pretty fierce about the school dragging their feet. In all fairness to the school winter break happened so that took a week and a half away for them but it has been a month so I’m glad that the fire was lit. I’m super happy actually. So was Marshal. I’ve not seen him smile that hard since Christmas and before that his birthday.

I love him so much and just want him to be happy and get a high school diploma. And not go to jail. Or be bad. Or not have a hard time socially. Okay, well you get the point. Anyway I think he will feel better around kids who have struggles the same as him and hopefully it will work out for the best.

The stupid dirty kitchen..

Today I’ve gotta deep clean the kitchen. Again. Always.

All the cooking I did left a film of grease on the counters and floor by the stove and it’s gross (and dangerous). I feel like most of the time spent cleaning and deep cleaning is done in the kitchen and I am getting sick of it. If we had a hood vent it wouldn’t be half as hard. Of course it would be one more mess to clean so I should stop wishing my chores away :)

1.4 Billion Dollars..

How about that lottery? I know it’s on everyone’s mind, a least a little bit! I really hope we win. Like, really hope it. I know what the odds are but like I’ve said here before I tend to get things that have really high odds. Aidan reminded me they were all bad things to have really high odds on but I think winning the lottery would even it all out.

I can’t even begin to imagine what would happen if we won that kind of money. Or any money really. But a BILLION dollars? Seriously, I have no idea what I would do. Aidan has a few ideas that I don’t necessarily agree with. I told him we’d split it to prevent trouble. Then we’d join most of it, to prevent trouble :)

I did tell Marshal that I would take him and Regina on a vacation, just the three of us, to somewhere like Hawaii or something. That would be so awesome. We’d have a blast and it would be great for the three of us to just hang out like the old days before Aidan and the babies were here. I love having Aidan and the babies, I wouldn’t change it for a second, but it would be fun to just be the three of us again for a week or two.

The only two things after that thought would be paying off bills and planning a beautiful wedding. I’d want to invest and take care of my family and start some kind of non-profit for either at risk youth or domestic violence victims but all of those would take a lot of thought, research and a team of people.

Oh my gosh — can you even imagine? Being a mega millionaire (after taxes)? From having a plain struggle working class life to not having to worry about how to pay your bills and afford extras ever again? What would you do if you won this 1.4 billion jackpot?

 

Stubborn or Stupid

sigh.

sigh.

ugh.

There is so much that I have to write about when it comes to Marshal. Life’s been a struggle for him lately and he just can’t seem to shake it off. I don’t know if I mentioned that he went to truancy court for cutting just about all of his classes for most of the year.

Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it) the truancy officer knows my two kids and I very well and has been a great help to us for a few years. She met Marshal when he was in 5th grade, 4 years ago, when she was in the counseling department.

That time of our lives was the beginning of our long and difficult journey in regards to getting him diagnosed, medicated, therapy and an IEP. This was also at the time when everything blew up on the home front and led to my divorce.

In any case, she worked with Marshal and a few years ago started working with Regina when she was having a really tough time in school.

The truancy officer has been a great mentor for Regina, a caring support for all of us and has gone above and beyond in trying to help me help these kids.

So when we met a few weeks ago to talk about the big kids cutting and I found out how bad the situation was becoming I asked that she bring him to court. He doesn’t always (if ever) take me serious but he does pay attention to a judge.

So we went to court, he got the run down of the law and the consequences and a new meeting was set up with the school to see if we can get him placed in a smaller school. The high school here is huge and frankly too much for him. I’ve been pushing for placement at another school for him for over three years and (now that it’s almost too late) they are seeing it through my eyes.

Soo…

Anyway. He’s involved with truancy courts.

But that wasn’t enough. Yesterday afternoon he was out with his friends at the local rec center and apparently there was a group of about 20 kids, 2 of which were fighting. A neighbor of the rec center called the police and said someone (matching my son’s description) had a knife and a gun.

Obviously a thousand cop cars pulled up and my son wasn’t aware of what was going on. He did have a knife on him and when they pulled up aggressively and demanded he get up against the car he took off running. Big mistake.

Anyway, he was arrested and charged with Disorderly Conduct and Escape. The police had him for bout 3-4 hours and were roughing him up. He was shook up when I got him. He doesn’t get it though. It’s all a mess and there is a lot more to say but now he is awake and talking to me about fighting charges. He really doesn’t get it.

I’ll write more later.

 

Feel Better About Your Life… Read About Mine

Hell yeah! She’s a mother fuckin princess!

Being that Regina is a senior this year she has decided to participate in all of the senior activities she can. In the latest of activities the school was running a “Miss Something or Another” campaign, contest, or whatever. The activity involved paying $15 to enter, picking a title, getting a sash, wearing an outfit and having your picture taken for the yearbook before walking around the school all day in your costume.

What this activity had to do with education Halloween life anything at all was beyond me. But she was doing something school related and for that I was happy.

She paid her 15 bucks, named herself Miss Malibu and chose her outfit.

Then she came home early this week pissed off.

Apparently they were taking the yearbook photo at 7:20 am. She is in am tech school so she wouldn’t get to be in the photo. The thought of not being in the yearbook was distressing to her so being the idiot super mom that I am, I volunteered to drive Regina to her school and then after the photo was taken to drive her to tech.

I had my own meeting set for 9am with the truancy officer of the high school to discuss both of the big kids and their habit of cutting classes. After driving her to tech I’d go to the school and be embarrassed by their actions once again.

It’s only right — It’s OCTOBER and they’ve been in school for two months so it was high time for them to get into some shit..

Anyway.

I asked Regina the night before if she wanted to get up early so she could have extra time to get ready. She said no. The next morning I woke Regina up at the regular time and told her I was getting in the shower and to get up so we could leave in 40 minutes.

“NO! I need a shower!” she moaned.

“I’ll be super fast. I’m getting in.” I growled.

Eight minutes later, showered and dressed, I told her the bathroom was free.

She now had 30 minutes to get ready for her picture.

After taking her 25 minute luxurious shower I let Regina know we needed to leave in 5 minutes.

She said nothing.

5 minutes later… “Regina, we have to go.”

“I’m NOT ready.”

20 minutes later she appears.

Ignoring her 6 inch platform pink hooker shoes, bikini top and minuscule skirt I said, “I guess I’m just driving you to tech then?”

“Yeah, sorry.”

I got showered and dressed in record time for no reason whatsoever. Fine.

After a few minor issues getting her into the tech building I drove off, headed towards the high school for my bad parent meeting, filled with anxiety.

I clearly have no control over my children and their need to do whatever they want — specifically, in this case, cutting every fucking class they have every fucking day, and making me rush through becoming presentable so luxurious showers can be taken before dressing like a prostitute for a school contest that announces no winners.

Hey Mama, your kids are gorgeous assholes!

Sadly enough all the administration of the school know who I am. I’ve been to more meetings in the school than I could ever even count and when I arrive at the building it’s like a parade for me. Many of the administrators, councilors, teachers, security guards, secretaries and janitors come over to chat. They smile and ask how the babies are then tell me how beautiful and nice the big kids are.

Mental note: buy more Christmas cards.

On the outside, while speaking to the many people, I am smiling. On the inside I am dying. None of these people know me because I am a part of the PTO, on the staff, or because I go to all of the school functions. No — they know me because I am the mother who raised two delinquents and then started over 15 years later to ruin the world a little more.

I don’t even want to suggest what is running through their minds but I can only imagine.

I am fairly certain that I make them feel much better about their lives though.

Let’s just say the meeting lasted for over 2 hours and things didn’t go well for anyone. Of course the ball is now clearly in the big kids court after I urged the truancy officer to send Marshal to court. At least he will receive some COURT ORDERED counseling because it is well know he would not participate otherwise. I pushed to have him transferred to a boarding school and we are on that path but it is a long, slow road to get there. In other words — it’ll never happen.

In the end, after talking in circles, no one felt any better about my children’s enthusiasm towards finishing high school and becoming an outstanding member of society.

There was some good that came from the meeting however. While no less than 5 of us tried to figure out ways to get both of the idiots to graduate I realized that these people are on my side. They know that I know my kids are being unrealistic and that I am trying with all of my being to get them to go to school, go to class, to not fail or give up and to graduate.

They know I am ripping my hair out trying to help and guide these badly bruised kids. I feel okay about myself and it’s nice to know there are so many others who really care for my children and want them to succeed in life.

Home Sweet Home

After the meeting I was still feeling like an anxious fucking lunatic and came home to Aidan and the little ones. Aidan wants to go buy a new car.

…Okay. (?)

He eats some lunch while I get Maddox to fall asleep. Aidan then puts Logan upstairs for his nap before heading out. All is right-ish with the world minus my ridiculous anxiety that won’t leave me the fuck alone.

I try to relax a little.

I put on the new Nashville, hoping it will calm me down before Logan wakes up and the big kids come home from school. Or wherever the fuck they go during the day..

As I am watching my show I can hear Logan playing with something upstairs but leave him be. I figure he will fall back asleep and leave it at that.

20 minutes later I hear him start crying like a maniac.

I went upstairs, begging him to be quiet as I walked towards him hoping he wouldn’t wake Maddox up. I quietly asked what’s wrong. He only answered with more voluminous cries. When I reached him I could see over his shoulder that he was “playing” with the box of gripe water that someone left on the nightstand.

Playing — verb; shredding a box into a million little pieces; opening a bottle of medicine then dumping liquid contents all over pillows, sheets, hair and body; a way to really piss mom off.

It took everything in me to not scream at the top of my lungs.

I silently stripped the bed while smoke shot out of my ears.

Maddox woke up screaming.

The big kids come home.

Marshal is looking pathetic knowing that he’s fucked up, again, and will have to go to his favorite place of all places — court. He plays with the little kids before having to leave for work while I heat up soup for everyone, including Aidan who returned without a new car. All the while I continued to breathe deeply. One failed attempt after another was spent trying to get rid of the anxiety that was burning my insides.

Craig. Craig.

It was time to drive Marshal to work. Marshal gets into the car and smells like he was clam baking for days. I put down the windows and snapped. “You fucking smell like weed!” I fumed.

“What? Huh? Me?”

Are you the biggest fucking idiot?

“Yes! You! I am not stupid! I hope you don’t get fired!” I yelled.

We didn’t speak again until he was getting out of the car. “Have a good night.” He might be an asshole but I do love him.

I pull out of the pizza shop driveway, turn down the street and then my phone starts ringing. It’s Marshall.

“Mom, can you come back? I think I am fired.”

“What happened?” I asked when he got in the car.

“They tried calling me in on Monday but I didn’t get the message, so they fired me.”

How’d he get fired on his day off? It’s like the movie Friday but in real life.

It was true –they did call and leave a voicemail on Monday (which I heard on Tuesday) but I doubt that would be the only reason for a firing though.

Maybe they didn’t even fire him.
Maybe he was just too high to understand a word they were saying.

Maybe they just don’t want Snoop Dog washing their dishes.

Serenity Now!!

Back at the house Logan is doing every fucking thing he can to get in trouble:

  • dumping the cat food into the water bowl
  • trying to rip out the thermostat register
  • being fresh
  • throwing Maddox’s playmat
  • running all over and climbing on the table

Maddox is screaming. He wants boob again for the 3,000th time today. He still refuses to sleep for more than 20 minutes.

I desperately (and rightfully) want to drink a bottle of wine. My anxiety is bursting through the roof and I feel like my head is going to explode. I go for a walk.

It helps.

When I come back 15 minutes later Maddox needs to eat again. There are still no sheets on my bed and Aidan is trying to play his mother fucking video game. Still feeling better I go to my special place of ignoring the world. After demanding sheets be put back on the bed I feed Maddox try to zone out. It’s not long after Maddox falls asleep that I join him.

But no, the day’s not over..

Sleeping for me consisted of being woken up by Maddox no less than 8 times. In the middle of the third feeding I could hear Marshall doing what could be described as hosting a circus in the living room at 1:30am.

After Maddox drifted back off I went downstairs to find Marshal high as fuck, the kitchen trashed, and every god damn light on in the house. I screamed in my night time voice for him to get the fuck into bed and not to dare give me any shit in the morning otherwise he’d face death.

He was going to school in the morning or being murdered.

This morning turned out okay. Both of the delinquents went to school and it didn’t involve me driving them anywhere or resorting to threats of violence. There is no liquid on my bed and I haven’t had to feed Maddox 36 times yet. Let’s hope the trend continues.

Ahh – just in time.. Maddox is fucking crying.

 

 

 

Hating on the Mama

The weather here is so disgusting! It’s been crazy humid and although the temps haven’t been higher than 82 the thick sticky air makes it feel awful. This morning there is fog so thick that I thought there was a fire somewhere. It’s supposed to rain a lot this week, too.

Aidan unplugged the window air conditioners last week and was going to remove them from the windows after they dried out. I’m glad he didn’t get that far though because I am going to plug them back in and turn them on today. This sticky warm air makes skin feel disgusting and it is wreaking havoc on my body. My joints hurt terribly and I’ve got a headache that just won’t quit. Hopefully after this rainy week it will settle down again.

Clothes that Fit and Great Deals

On Sunday I was able to pick up my jeans and return the shirts that don’t fit me well. When I tried the jeans on with my new shoes I was so happy I almost did a little dance. They fit perfectly! Why have I never gotten pants altered before?! I know going forward I will have it done. The art of growing old :)

Besides picking up my jeans and returning my shirts I went to Plato’s Closet to get the security tag removed from the sweatshirt I bought last weekend. Marshal came with me and found two long sleeve Polo shirts for $24 so I bought them for him. The last place we stopped at was my favorite consignment shop where I tried to sell my maternity clothes and a coat I’ve had for a few years. They didn’t buy anything from me, which was surprising but was whatever. While we were waiting for them to look at the clothes Marshal found a nice tee for $6 and I super lucked out and found a grey Michael Kors wool pea coat for $29. Score!

I’m Such a Bitch!

Regina was pretty pissed with me on Sunday because I told her I’d take her to the mall after work to look for a costume for a contest they are having in school. I also told her to clean her room. A trillion times. So without her doing a single thing in her room AND being late for curfew on Friday I didn’t feel the need to take her. Gimme, gimme. Of course she hated my guts and didn’t clean her room. Then she sent me a text during the day yesterday asking if I was going to take her after school. “Is your room clean?” Again with the gut hating. It’s whatever though. Ge your shit off of the floor.

The Incredible Hulk

Marshal was also super pissed with me on Sunday. He blew his curfew on Saturday night despite me telling him not to and that there’d be consequences if he did. I cut the wi-fi and he flipped his shit. He tries to intimidate me with his craziness but it just rolls off of my back. I guess he carried on for about a half hour before realizing I wasn’t budging. Yesterday he had a melt down too over Regina putting his clothes on the dryer. He was even more aggressive and crazy and I when he acts so wild I wonder if he will ever out grow his temper. When he got home from school he apologized right away but it should never happen in the first place. I don’t know if he is going to stay like this and be a dick like his dad. I really hope not, I work hard to raise him differently. Only time will tell.

Well, that’s all for today, I hear the babies up and better get to them before it becomes a tear fest. Have a great day :)