Self Doubt — Get it Out

I woke up this morning feeling a little discouraged and I don’t even know why. Maybe I had a dream that confused me and made me question everything about my business that I’ve known so far. All I know now is that I don’t have a clear vision of what I want this to be. Or maybe I am getting a clearer vision when I never really had one to start with? I say that because I just want to open a store! That’s all I’ve known for a while but this morning I am struggling with what that store will look like, or be like..

I guess I’m just having doubts, that’s all. I mean I like the stuff and the style I like but at the same time I like so many other different styles and I don’t know many people who like the style that I do. That’s not true, I am sure, but I don’t think I have the standard taste. I love the standard stuff but I get excited for glamorous and moody and sexy luxurious things and I’m not sure if they fit into the real life of people who love Scandinavian style or simplicity.

I love both of the styles, believe me, I just don’t feel as comfortable with white walls as I do with gilded picture frames. Will I be able to sell my stuff? Is there many other people out there who like my taste?

On that note I am going to leave a picture of a vase I recently acquired. It’s one of two and they are both damaged but repaired. I fell in love with them the moment I saw them, even despite their flaws. The girls at work knew I loved them and when the owner was going to throw them away because of the damage they set them aside for me.. I took them both and consider myself lucky although I don’t know what to do with 2 broken vases, other than appreciate them lol

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They are hand painted and from what I can tell reproductions done sometime between the 70’s-90’s but they are still so pretty to me. I should clean them, looking at the pictures here I see that they aren’t as vivid as they could be..

Anyway, happy Friday!

 

 

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Battle of the brains and Marshal is home!

My computers are still not working and it really is driving me mad. I have so much to write about and i am lucky to be able to write from my phone but it’s just not the same :(

Anyway.. what’s going on? Marshal was released from his placement on Wednesday and now he is back home. He is doing so well and he is so happy and I knew he would understand at some point why I fought so hard for him to be sent away. He thanked me multiple times and even said I saved his life. 

I am a little stressed out that I will fail him because he is coming from such a great structured environment back to his chaotic mother. Ok not a little stressed, very stressed. We do have therapy lined up, he’s looking for a job and will be back in school today so those are good things to keep him busy but I still worry.

Regina had a horrible episode this week and ended up in the hospital. She woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me she swallowed a bottle of pills. She told me to make her a dr’s appointment about a month ago and I didn’t fast enough. I had been so caught up in working and dealing with my own shit that I just didn’t take her serious enough.

She is stable and home now but was diagnosed as bipolar. She’s been telling me for a while now, close to a year, that she thought she was and I was in denial about it because I suppose that I felt it would be confirmation that I truly am bipolar and that the doctors aren’t wrong. It makes perfect sense now that I have figured it out and I feel like a terrible mother for not listening to her for my own stupid selfish reasons.

So now she is set up to meet with a new psychiatrist because she “hates” her old one but those appointments take a while so she still has 6 weeks to go. It’s going to be a long six weeks because now I’m scared to death she will do something again.

I feel very overwhelmed to say the least. I’m not freaking out or anything but the stress is getting to me. At my own doctors appointment I was explaining how my brain is all over the place, how I can’t focus on anything and how I have around four projects started and can’t get any of them done. He suggested that I might have ADHD and I’ve been set up with some testing next month. He said a lot of times in my generation it goes undiagnosed because of the way mental health was viewed. I know that I have it. I’ve known for a long time but always thought maybe I was crazy for thinking it because I don’t even know why. It’s one thing after another, I am hoping this will be the final piece of my mental puzzle though. Like the one piece I couldn’t figure out and fix. I hope I can be fixed all the way now :) 

Okay well, I am done writing today, it really is hard on the phone and just thinking about all that shit at one time is making my heart race. I still haven’t finished the cabinet. It’s close.. this close to being done and I am already so proud of my hard work. I really hope to post it soon and then show you my next project that I couldn’t help but start!

Take care everyone. 

Quick catchup

For whatever reason I have two computers that aren’t working. One apple and one windows and neither will boot up and I can’t figure out why so I am writing from my phone.. which is also giving me trouble. 

Anyway, how was your thanksgiving? Ours was nice, really nice because Marshal is home for the week, and possibly back for good — we go to court on Wednesday and will find out what the judge says. We all want him home but to say it isn’t a little stressful would be a lie. All of us are on edge a little and I think it is because of him maybe coming home. Don’t get me wrong, we all want him here more than anything but we are all a little worried that things will go back to the way they were.

He has definitely changed. Matured and has grown in ways I wasn’t even expecting, but he is still Marshal and well, I suppose I should have more faith.

I have work today and I am looking forward to it. I’ve had off since Monday and I miss being there. I don’t want to go in because being lazy is fun too but I want to go in more than I don’t so that’s good :)

Did anyone go Black Friday shopping? We did and it wasn’t as fun for me as usual because my body was killing me. It’s been bothering me for a few days but I really believe it’s caused by the stress of what will happen with Marshal.

Well, have a good day. It’s hard for me to write a lot on my phone. Hopefully I can figure out how to get one of my computers working soon.

A little lamp makeover

Oh my aching back :( I’m STILL not done the cabinets, despite working for like 11 hours yesterday. This project is much much more than I expected it to be. And the worst part is that I have a whole other cabinet I need to do after this one is done. Ugh. I really hope it will be worth it in the end.

This was definitely a project for a sprayer but I don’t have one. Maybe I can rent one for the next cabinet. Can you rent paint sprayers? I’ll look into it. It would definitely cut my time down immensely.

Another project that I started working on this weekend involves gold leaf. I never worked with it before and thought it would be fun to try out on a lamp I had that was pretty beat up. I started by lightly sanding the green paint it was covered in and giving it 3 light coats of a creamy white color. Then I did a little gold leafing..

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It was very easy to work with and turned out looking pretty cool. I plan on adding more to the lamp in the same type of pattern in different areas as it’s not as noticeable as I’d like it to be.

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Looks pretty neat so far, don’t you think? It is a fun project to work on, much easier than the beast cabinet lol the sealer was still wet when I took the picture so that is why it’s glossy but I will take another picture when my project is finished.

Right now it looks like I am collecting white lamps with black shades because I have 3 sitting on the bureau in the dining room. I am going to put the small lamp in the living room (I think) but need an extension cord.

This house is a hot mess. Seriously. Between working, working on the cabinets and just living life I am exhausted and the house is suffering. There are a bunch of little things similar to needing the extension cord for the lamp that need to be taken care of. So many little things that are piling up and making the house feel upside down. I’m feeling overwhelmed if I’m going to be honest. I’ll get it together though, so I will try not to stress :)

Well have a good day. I’m going to shower and get ready for work.

Senager

I woke up a little before 4 this morning and figured I’d get up to write while it was quiet. It’s now 6 and I am getting close to wake up time for the boys. I don’t know why I didn’t write, I have plenty to write about. I suppose I just haven’t thought of what to say.

I’ve been driving myself crazy looking for a photo that I took a few years back when Aidan and I were on a trip to the mountains. It’s the perfect photo to have blown up and framed and I cannot find it in any of my files. If I somehow deleted it I am really going to be upset.

I haven’t spoken to my parents since last week so I don’t know what new drama has occurred. If it was anything serious though I know I would have been called, so I’m letting sleeping dogs lie and enjoying a little less stress for now.

My aunt did tell me yesterday that my mom fired her lawyer for her upcoming DUI charges and told my other aunt she is representing herself. I have a feeling that words were just twisted and she actually meant she is just using a public defender. I’ll ask her about it and make sure she has a public defender but I didn’t agree with her getting a lawyer. Not because they are a waste of money or anything, just the opposite. I want her to lose her license and get treatment.

Whether the lawyer is involved or not she is going to be facing loads in fines and I don’t think they will send her to jail, it was her first offense and she was never in trouble with the law for anything ever before in her life. She does need to take responsibility and loose her license though. She needs to get professional help also. I just can’t believe that at nearly 70 years old she is acting like a 14 year old. It just boggles my mind.

 

 

Holding it together

There is still a lot of crap going on with my mom and really so much to talk about in regards to her. Honestly though, I don’t want to. It’s exhausting to even think about. For what it’s worth and for the sake of maybe letting some of the stress go I’ll summarize what has happened in just this past week.

She moved out

Thursday –
My mom got her own apartment. She had talked about it for months and my dad assured me that she couldn’t because he called the place and told them what was going on with her mental state. Either he lied to me or they lied to him, because she seriously moved out. He let her, he watched her. One plastic grocery bag filled after another went to her new place.

No furniture. Who needs somewhere to sit?
She was positive and full of enthusiasm.

Friday –
Still no furniture. She has a car and a cell phone. She’s not supposed to drive. I told my dad this would blow up in his face and has the potential to bring on financial ruin. “I have it covered.”

Saturday –
Ginger, have you heard from, mom?

Ginger, your mom isn’t at her apartment, the mattress people are trying to deliver the mattress and her cars not there.

No, Ginger, I’m not with your mom, she did sound drunk when I talked to her an hour ago, please let me know when you hear something.

Dad, we found her car, she’s at the fucking bar!

No, Ginger, that can’t be her car. The police found your mom.. she crashed her car in Glassboro and she’s been arrested. She was drunk.

I know now that I can never drink again, Ginger, I can never drink again because of the potassium.

Sunday –
Ginger, can you pick me up after 10 tomorrow and take me to buy a tv?
No, mom, I have plans, but I can on Tuesday.

Ginger, Dad wants you to take mom to the police station to get her car released before you come here tomorrow.
I wasn’t planning on going there. I was just taking her to buy a tv, I have things to do.

Tuesday –
From 10:00am to 2:00pm I was with my mother. We did not buy a tv. She got one the day before. Instead we drove to the auto yard, accomplished nothing and then went to her real house. She argued with my dad and packed up many more plastic grocery bags of things.

Dad, she CANNOT live by herself. She can’t drive. She isn’t well. She needs help.

Not MY problem. She’s not coming back here. I don’t care what she does.


Of everything that is going on, ofall that is stressing me out about this whole situation, it is my father who is causing me the most grief. 40 years they have been married. For 40 years she has taken care of him and now when she needs him the most he is turning his back on her 100%? No wonder she wants to leave. The thing is she can’t be alone she needs supervision. And she has now signed a lease! He let her sign a lease! And she is going to lose her license, not that she was supposed to be driving anyway but he let her take the car. Yet, this is somehow not his problem.

Yeah, keep telling yourself that Dad.

Not even a wiff

Good morning, happy hump day everyone! I hope that all of you are having a great week. For me it feels like time is moving but I am stuck in place. I don’t know if that means I’ve “checked out” like I have a habit of doing in times of stress or if I just can’t keep up. I’m thinking it’s more or less that I’ve checked out and I am running on auto-pilot.

I have always had a great way of shutting down when things are pretty tough. It’s not a bad thing, per say, but it’s not really a good thing either. Do you know the term fight or flight? Well, it’s a survival instinct and over the course of my life I don’t know if I am fighting or flighting but I am surviving and I suppose that counts for something.

Anyway, I am really worried and upset about my mother. I took her to her primary doctor on Monday. I was dreading going because I was worried she was going to be awful and nasty but that wasn’t the case at all. She was in a really good mood and chatted the whole time. The doctor told her “Point blank — you may not drink. Not a sip or a sniff even. NO drinking.” She went on her comeback that she is 69 and she will drink and blah blah but she didn’t get crazy.

She didn’t get crazy with me after we left and she told me to stop at the liquor store. She tried to threaten me that she would take a bottle of pills but when I asked her if she was going to rephrase that or if she wanted me to drive straight to the hospital for threatening suicide she dropped it. She said she didn’t know what she was going to do about getting liquor and I told her that this isn’t who she is and that she only really wanted it now was because she was told no. I told her to focus on cooking and baking for the night and that would keep her occupied and happy.

My brother complained about how big of a mess there was in the kitchen because mom had been cooking again and I told him that was great. I told him what I told her and I told him to compliment her food and thank her. Then I went on about how all 3 of them need to appreciate and be verbal about appreciating one another more. The three of them have terrible self esteem and it’s because they are all chronically complaining and bickering. They need some positivity. A LOT of it.

Her neurology appointment is in 3 weeks, I really hope she can make it until then without being hospitalized again. I miss my mom and as much as I preach about them not being positive I sure do wish I appreciated my momĀ  better when she was herself.