Losing someone is different than losing touch


Last night I received some very sad news that my ex-sister in law passed away. She was 33 and left behind 3 children. I am so sad about this, even though I haven’t spoken to her in years. There was a time when we were really close but that was a decade a go. I still remember all the fun times and deep talks we had. She got lost along the way and I was pretty mad at her for leaving her family. I really was mad at her for breaking my brother in laws heart, but her leaving was what she needed to do. She still saw her kids and wanted to always see them more. I am so sad for them. They have a wonderful step mom who loves them like her own but losing your real mother at such young ages is probably the worst thing a child can go through.


Oddly enough I have been thinking about her quite a bit lately. A few months before she left my brother in law and their kids she was diagnosed as bi-polar. She was in a manic state for a few months and ended up changing the whole family by talking brother in law to buying a house and moving (the guys) grandmom in to help with bills. I was so mad because Grandma told me she didn’t want to move, and if she was to choose she’d like to live in a retirement community. I spoke up for her but it caused trouble with my father in law and then Grandma denied saying it. I was angry at Grandma and at Ang.

Not long after they moved Grandma fell ill and passed away which I don’t believe would have happened if she didn’t move. Ang left around that time, too.

I guess I never forgave her. We were once as close as sisters and I felt abandoned and confused much like everyone else in her life did. I forgive her now though. I pray for her babies and know she will watching them from above.


Hello Fall!

Things have been pretty busy here this week, actually this whole month now that I think about it, but it’s been good for everyone. Everyone that is except for Marshal, who has been sick since the beginning of school with a long-standing head cold.

Male Drama Sickness

Marshal’s had it with the sickness and is really starting to lose his cool, having daily melt downs about his symptoms. It’s been *super* fun hearing him yell and curse and throwing tantrums about wanting to die. I can understand the frustration but the dramatics are really.. Dramatic.. and annoying. Sigh.

Besides him, the rest of the house is doing well and keeping busy enjoying the weather and change of season.

New Season New Attitudes

Aidan has been looking for a new job because he is bored of his. He’s been at his current job for about two years and has grown increasingly frustrated with the office politics and lack of creativity he can use. Interviews have been keeping him on the phone and scratching his head as to how to fit them all in. He’s in a great field and is lucky to have so many options!

Regina has been busy with school and work and seems happier this year than any other. I caught her doing homework the other day and almost had a heart attack. I’m really happy for her and glad she is finally learning about things she likes. I only wish she was in the tech school last year, but that’s water under the bridge. We will figure out the rest of her schooling so she can get her license as a hair dresser next year. Aside from the tech school she is starting to get involved with a lot of senior activities and I only hope that it continues. We were talking about looking for a prom dress the other day. I’m really excited for her :)

As for me — I’ve been taking the little boys out to enjoy the weather at the playground this week. Even tho Maddox just sleeps, Logan more than makes up for it being active when we are at the playground. I also took Logan to the mini golf course at Regina’s work last night. He didn’t understand the concept but it was nice to have him do something new and spend time with him without Maddox distracting me.

It’s been a fun week and good for them (and me especially) to get out of the house.

Short and Sweet

My parents came over for a visit yesterday and that was nice. It wasn’t a long visit but long enough for them to see the little ones before I had to put Logan down for his nap. They brought him a couple of construction trucks and he played with them and my dad for most of the visit.

We don’t get to see my parents very often, so it was nice to catch up and good for them to see the little kids while they are still adorable :) Marshal seemed hurt that they didn’t stay to see him after school but the traffic from Philly to NJ gets really bad in the afternoon so they left around 1:30pm. I’ll have to take all of the kids down for a visit one of these weekends.

Lock Down

This weekend the Pope is in town and they are being crazy with the road closures and everything else. The city is basically shut down to vehicles and they are warning that the outskirts will probably be a mess. We were trying to leave the area for the weekend just to avoid it all but instead we are just staying here. Aidan thinks we will be able to visit his parents but I am not trying to sit in stand still traffic so we will play it by ear. Also I really, really want to paint this living room and move on!

Well, that’s all I have for today. I’ll leave you with a video of Logan on the swings the other day just because his laughter is adorable and contagious! Have a great Friday everyone :)

Horrible With Titles

I Was Great and then I Wasn’t

Yesterday morning I was really productive after writing. I did some laundry, changed the cat litter, cleaned out the cats water thing, hosed off the front porch and watered all of the plants all before Aidan woke up. I felt proud of myself but the rest of the day was a bust. I watched tv while Logan played with my phone and his toys and Maddox slept and ate. All day long I didn’t do anything other than eat everything in the house and veg out. I wasn’t feeling good and suppose I needed the rest but days like that bother me because there is always so much to do.

This morning I’m not feeling any better, in fact, I actually feel worse. My allergies are kicking my ass this year and my body is really sore. My stomach hurts too because I literally couldn’t stop eating yesterday. I still haven’t gotten my period and I am wondering if this crazy hunger is being driven by PMS or a side effect of the Zoloft. Either way it’s not a good thing! Today I am just going to resist the urge to shove my face full of carbs. Ha! Like it will be that simple.

Snippity Snip

This morning Aidan has a consultation at the urologist for getting snipped. I asked him more than a few times if he was okay with getting it done. I mean, I 100% do not want any more children. I’ve had four and have been parenting since I was 20. He on the other hand has only had kids for two years and they are both boys. I don’t want to be negative but in reality we don’t know what the future holds and I just want to make sure he is absolutely satisfied with our two boys only. Sure he is a step dad to Regina but he didn’t get to raise her from the start. There is no guarantee that there would even be another girl in the future anyway, so I’m glad he is getting the procedure done.


Tomorrow we are driving over to Lancaster to take the little ones on a Thomas the Train train ride. I think it is going to be a lot of fun, especially for our two year old Logan. He loves trains and likes Thomas plus he is an adventurous little boy who loves doing activities. We will ride on two trains — one that looks like Thomas and the other a steam engine that looks old fashioned. There will also be activities there like face painting and games so I think it will be a really nice time. Of course the baby won’t have any idea of what’s going on but he is becoming very curious and social when it comes to the world around him so I think it will be good for him, too.

Get to Painting.. Please?

We don’t have any plans for Sunday and that’s the way I like it. One day to do something and one day to rest. Of course I am hoping that we will work on getting the living room painted because it hasn’t progressed since Aidan fixed the wall but I am not to hopeful. It takes him forever to do finish projects. While that drives me crazy it’s not something worth getting all bitchy about. It will get done, hopeffully before I get super irritated. It’s a big project, which is why I avoided it in the first place. Maybe I’ll just do it. If he doesn’t like how I am doing it he can take over :)

Well, have a great Friday! I’m so glad it’s Friday, aren’t you? Do you have any plans for the weekend?



Anything is Possible

I’ve come to the realization that if I have to wait until next Friday to be induced it won’t be such a bad thing. It might actually turn out pretty cool if this birth is long and torturous the way Henry’s was. In fact, the baby could actually be born on the 18th, if labor carry’s on in the same slow poke way Henry’s birth did. What’s cool about the 18th is that it is also Regina’s birthday. Well, August 18th, but still a 1-8 :) Marshal and Henry actually share the 9th as their day (and there is still time for that of course) but it would be pretty neat if I had two 9’s and two 18’s.

Do your families have anything like that going on? Aidan’s mom has three out of four who were born on the 8th. What are the chances of any of this? Hmm let me guess 1-2%? haha I kid but really I will buy another lottery ticket today or at least have Aidan get one on the 9th or 18th if either of those work out :)

I felt absolutely horrible yesterday and spent an entire afternoon watching a season of Rehab Addict on Netflix. I think I have one episode left to see and I realize that was really a lot of tv to watch in one day. The girl who stars in the show, Nicole, rocks and I couldn’t get enough! Have you ever seen it? She buys old houses and puts her blood, sweat, and tears into rehabbing them to their former glory. Wow, I wish I could do what she does! For now though I’ll happily binge watch from bed.

My neck has been super stiff since last night and I am guessing that it was from watching so much tv yesterday but I’m a bit worried that I may have caught mono from Regina. She was diagnosed with it last week after being incorrectly diagnosed with strep only 2 weeks before that. We all (including the nurse practitioner who confirmed it was mono) think it was mono all along as her strep tests came back negative after all. It’s great that the first doctor we saw was on point and followed up with us. Sarcasm.  I understand that everyone is busy but she was put on some strong antibiotics that she shouldn’t have been put on, which fucked up her birth control pills (that we weren’t warned of being a possibility) and she was still sick. Thank god she hasn’t been sexually active. OMG that would have been the worst disaster! Anyway, she’s better now, and I’m sure I’m fine and that the stiff neck is from the boob tube.

It’s rainy and humid outside now and I haven’t checked to see if that will be all day today or not. I almost don’t want to look because it really is yucky out and would not be a fun day to do anything outside. Not that I’m planning on doing anything outside but, ya know, I like to complain.

Well, have a great day, hopefully the weather will be nice wherever you are and I hope something great happens in your neck of the woods :)



Marshal, Marshal, Marshal

Before I get down to the nitty gritty of this post, I want to take a moment just to talk about a few important key things. This might seem a strange way to start a post but there is a long history involving myself and my son that needs to be addressed before I can write about what happened yesterday afternoon with Marshal, so there can be a deeper understanding of this boys behavior.

Back when I started this blog in December of last year it was because of my need to write. I had a perfectly good blog that I had previously abandoned but did not want to go back to because of my following. While there were a lot of wonderful people that I “met” while blogging at the last address (and whom I wanted to keep in touch with/continue to share my journey with) there were also a lot of my family members who were following. It was great to have my families support and keep their interest but I felt very censored about what I could openly talk about without being looked down on or gossiped about. Specifically concerning Marshal. If you are one of the few reading from my last blog please know that I sought you out and felt comfortable with sharing all of my life with you. I don’t feel judged or looked down upon by you and I am so happy you are here.

My son, who is almost 16, has a dual diagnoses of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). Both of these diagnoses stem from a combination of genetics and life events. While ADHD is very common and generally harmless, ODD isn’t something that is just slapped on anyone and more of an issue and concern to deal with. If left untreated the ODD could lead to Conduct Disorder which is something no one wants to have. It’s attached to criminal activity of the worst kind, narcissism and sociopathic behaviors. If you choose to look any of these up and feel alarmed, you probably should. Though my ex-husband was never officially diagnosed with any of these terms, I know after living with him and dealing with him over the better half of my life and through all of my research he is most certainly a narcissist and quite possibly a sociopath. This behavior was directed towards his family (us) and directly towards Marshal for all of his life.

I’ve talked a little about my ex-husband and the fact that he is abusive but I’ve not gone into much detail about specifics. I talked a little more in depth on my old blog so readers who have carried over from there have a bit more of understanding of how the divorce came about and some of the things we have gone through. While I’d like to talk openly about the abuse there are very difficult memories that I just can’t deal with. I wanted at some point to be open and direct about dealing with these types of people but I can’t without triggering ill effects. Some day perhaps I’ll be able to face the things that have happened but for now that won’t happen. The little things I may say here and there have been discussed openly with therapists over and over and I am versed in what feelings may be brought up.

Aside from the ADHD and ODD it is suspected that Marshal also has post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which is something, along with chronic depression and fibromyalgia (FM) that I am diagnosed with. I know this is a lot of information and there are a lot diagnoses to take in but I want to be clear about our background before I just talk about things that are somewhat normal to us that may be shocking to those who haven’t dealt with these types of situations before.

Now that I’ve gotten all of that out of the way I think I’ve addressed the black and white reasons we are involved with the therapy I talk so much about here. Therapy is a big part of our life, it has been, and I imagine that it will be for for some time to come. While Marshal takes medication that helps greatly without therapy it wouldn’t be effective in terms of changing his mentality. He could easily slip into conduct disorder and that is what I am (we are) working so hard to avoid. Marshal is a good kid, with a kind heart who was just very misfortunate to have an awful father and a weak mother. His life should be so much different and his outlook on it should be so much better. I back pedal every day trying so hard to change his view on the world and my only hope is that he will not grow up to be his father, hating the world.

Now to what happened yesterday..

Regina came storming into the house after school yesterday. She slammed the door, threw her book bag and phone down on the floor and yelled “I fucking HATE him!” Being sort of used to her dramatic behavior I dryly asked, “What did he do now?” With her voice still raised she told me that he kicked the trash can over onto her and said there were bees on it. She was pissed first because he kicked the can at her and second because if there were bees there why would he try to get her stung. Not understanding he magnitude of his outburst at that point I agreed with her he was an ass and we moved into the kitchen.

A minute later Marshal came in the back door to the kitchen and started dancing obnoxiously. We ignored him for a minute, he got bored and went down to his room.

Regina and I were talking about something and he came back up. “Give me your lighter” he demanded of Regina. “No,” she said with irritation in her voice. “give me your lighter” he said again, this time with anger behind his voice. “No, not after you just kicked that at me!” she now yelled. This went on a few more times before he started to lunge at her, swinging his fists.

“Leave her alone Marshal! You have no right to demand anything from anyone, back away!” I yelled. From there he started to jump around and yell loudly. I engaged and yelled for him to leave the room. At that point he started to get closer to me and her with each bounce of fury. He dropped something out of his hand and then got really angry. It was a bowl with a little bit of weed. He was furious at this point and started screaming at us to give him a lighter and help him find his weed. (This is NOT acceptable in my house and he knows it. This is an ongoing problem that I deal with and that he knows is not allowed in my house.)

Now I am furious and start yelling to get out for him to go on a long walk, to get that shit out of my house before I call the cops, and for him not to return until he is acting normal. He yells in my face some more and then kicks my new refrigerator and leaving a dent in it. I am livid. I grab my phone and out the door he goes.

Needless to say it took me a lot of time to calm down. I’m actually still pissed off and my blood is still boiling, especially considering the fact that once he came home (even though he was calm and probably high) he refused to take responsibility for his actions. He refused to apologize, he refused to reflect, and he cockily mentioned that it was Regina’s fault for not giving him her lighter.

Everyone ignored him last night. I cut off the wi-fi and he won’t be having friends here this weekend. Even though he tried engaging us a few times through the evening (and even demanded I put the wi-fi back on) he was on his own. No internet or family to talk to. I needed time to calm down and I needed time to think. I can usually figure out what causes these outbursts and work from there, but the only thing I can come up with about this event is that he possibly didn’t take his medication yesterday. I’m not sure that’s the case though because the pill isn’t where I put it and he doesn’t give me a hard time about taking it anymore. It scares me to think that he did take it but still became that explosive.

My therapists will be here in an hour and I’ll have a chance to talk with them about the event, which is reassuring, but the whole situation is troubling. Nothing like this (him becoming violent) has happened in over a year. Situations like this were every day occurrences for some time and I am really afraid that he will resort to this if I don’t tackle the situation head on. He’s bigger now, he’s stronger. He’s also had a lot of support and learned coping skills so I really hope this was a one time ordeal as opposed to an ongoing behavior.

Thanks for reading, I really needed to get that off of my chest, for venting and for not letting it go by the wayside. This needs to be addressed, it’s not one of those things that I can just let slide and expect a resolution.

Random Blabbing and Oh Yeah, TGIF!

It’s another Friday and I really am glad to say the week’s almost over. It sure has been a doozy of a week here and I’m hoping the weekend will bring better days. The weather is supposed to be nice this weekend so we plan on turning our attention outside and hopefully Aidan will get the raised bed build. He keeps bugging me about going to Lowes so we can buy plants but we don’t have anything to plant them in! I know he wants to get moving but there is no point in buying plants that will die if we don’t get them in the ground!

Henry is sick AGAIN
This time I think he caught a cold from his cousin who he was snuggiling with on Easter. They said that she was teething but now I’m kicking myself for not insisting that they stay away from each other. When he has a fever I will never take him out because I don’t want other people catching his germs. I don’t understand why other parents don’t follow the same protocol.  Anyway, he has a fever and is super tired and cranky. I hope it ends today.

Pregnancy Week 27
I had my OB appointment yesterday and I am measuring right where I am supposed to and the heartbeat was fine. I had to take the glucose test and of course that was gross. I asked about a sleeping aid to help me with the insomnia and the doctor advised me to take 2 Benadryl to help me sleep. My problem isn’t falling asleep though it’s staying asleep and I’m afraid if I take it at 2am I’ll sleep through my 6am alarm. I also think it will wear off by 2am if I take it at 8pm and won’t serve a purpose. I’ll try tonight though and see what happens.

My OB is sending me to a neuro-optompitrist (?) because I had two occasions of loosing vision and then seeing strangely once it returned. I personally think it was stress related or my blood pressure but she is concerned that I am having some sort of eye migraine. I’ll go because she said it was a red flag and I need to get checked, so there’s that. My appointment isn’t until May and in the meantime I have orders to go to the emergency room if it happens again.

I realized yesterday that next Friday I will officially be 7 months pregnant. I can’t believe how fast time goes by. We are going to have another little person here in just a few months and I guess I’m starting to freak out. As in, what the hell were we thinking, lol. I’m excited to have a new baby, please don’t get me  wrong but dang four kids? Two of them almost adult? I was almost done and now I’ve completely started over. It’s going to be a big change but not one we won’t be able to handle I know. I just can’t believe that I decided to start over with Henry when I was 35 and now I’ll be 37 with another newborn. I was really in the homestretch. I was a young mom now I’m an old mom. Even though I’m still a young mom to the older two I only feel like an old mom all around. Does that make sense? I’m sure it does.

Okay enough of my random blabbing, I should get something productive done as I don’t have my usual therapy session today and that hour can be put to good use. Have a great Friday and thanks for reading!

This Week is Going By So Slow

Last Night Was Hellish
Henry woke up around 2:00am and couldn’t get himself back to sleep. There was a lot of tossing and crying and it lasted for well over an hour. He kept trying to lay on my face which of course was uncomfortable and after 45 minutes of being tortured I got up to get him a cup of water. He did this new cry that he’s been working on (it sounds an awful lot like a fire engine siren) until I returned and propped him between my arm and neck. Finally he fell asleep but poor Aidan stayed awake for the rest of the night. As in the whole night. When I came downstairs at 6:20am he was sitting on the couch with his Kindle. Poor man. He has work today and I feel terrible that he wasn’t able to fall back asleep like I did.

Color Me Mine
This evening Marshal and I are going to a pottery painting place called Color Me Mine. Our therapists’ company rented out the place and will be providing dinner for it’s clients to paint pottery and have a fun night out. It is for the whole family but Marshal and I rarely get to spend any time alone together so we are the ones who are going. Regina seemed to feel some type of way about it and I do feel bad for not taking her also but I really do need to spend one on one time with Marshal. While I’m there I will ask about the rates and see if I can’t take her one night for our own one on one time.

New Curtains for Living Room
Yesterday my curtain panels arrived for the living room. I was so excited to see how they would look that I removed one of the old panels and hung a new one. Unfortunately, one of the screws from the pole bracket became loose and I decided it would be best not to hang the other one. It looks super fancy right now :) We were planning on moving the rod down anyway because the plaster is in bad shape and just keeps crumbling over time. I am impatient though and want the new panels up right away — even though I haven’t painted or moved the rod or steamed the panels. lol. The good news is that the panels look even better than I thought they would! They are plain flax colored linen panels but they seriously look so nice against the grey sofa. I think it’s going to look great once the room is painted. I have the same panels in my dining room and I knew they would work but I was surprised at just how well they work :)

List Started
I started the list of all of the things that I needed to do. It’s three (short) pages long and you might think I’d feel more overwhelmed looking at it, but honestly I feel relieved. My anxiety flew out of the window once I had everything written out. I didn’t give myself a time frame to get it all done which may be a mistake.. Maybe I’ll aim for two weeks. Okay I will aim for two weeks, just so I’m accountable. I knocked a few things off right away because I wanted to get them done and started with what I had been avoiding the longest.. the paperwork :) it felt good to finally get those out of the way! All together I got 8 items done yesterday so it was a success. I highlighted the most important things and only focused on them. I still have 3 that are highlighted but not crossed off so I’ll work on them today and pick a few more to highlight.

Well that wraps this post up. I started it at 7:00 this morning but Henry woke up and wouldn’t let me put him down without crying. I know he isn’t feeling well but this is getting ridiculous! I really hope today is the last of it. He is sleeping now so I’m just going to tip toe around him and try to get some more things crossed off my list. I hope you have a happy day :)