All that can happen in 4 months..

Well, well, well. Here I am writing for the first time in 4 months. Four. Actually there was one drunken post at one point but then I removed it because it was just crappy nonsense. To say that things have been busy around here would be true and to say they’ve been crazy would be even more truthful. Honestly, I feel like there isn’t time for anything other than living right now and my nerves have been shot but might be starting to settle down soon. Maybe.

Marshall is away at a residential treatment facility. He will be there for about a year and should help him a lot. This was court ordered by a very nice judge who probably saw the desperation in my eyes when I requested he be placed. As you know I love all of my kids more than anything and I had been wanting him to be sent somewhere for a while for his own good, as well as for ours. He and Aidan had it out one night and it got really, really bad. I had Regina call the police because Marshal was seriously out of his head attacking Aidan. It was scary. That was in February and he hasn’t been home since.

If I am lucky and can get back into the swing of things I will talk more about Marshal in later posts.

I really miss writing so much.

Regina is another stressor.. Her graduation is next Thursday and she is scrambiling at the last minute to get her work done so she can actually graduate. Why she does this I just don’t know. She’s failing cosmetology because of her attendance. She’s months and months behind on her on-line courses. She’s playing hardball with her head in the clouds. Do I think she’ll get it all done in time to participate in graduation? Yes. I’m I worried sick that I’m wrong and she won’t? Yes. It’s her life and I can’t do it for her. All I can do (and do daily) is nag. Fun for all.

On top of those two my mother has been very odd and apparently has/had begun drinking around the clock. I don’t even know what to write about her other than I am worried. I think she is going through some mental health issues and trying to self medicate with more alcohol than usual. Trying to help my dad and brother help her has been difficult because I am so far away, have two little boys that I don’t want to bring around her and also I have to do a few driving trips each day to get or drop off Regina at work or school or what have you. I’ve also honestly have been hoping my mom gets her head out of her ass and gets her shit together. Not realistic.

The little boys keep my days busy. Maddox is starting to walk now and has been getting into everything for a while now. Logan has been getting jealous and they both constantly want my attention to be directed at themselves. It’s rough, it’s normal and I’m blessed to be able to be home with them. They drive me crazy though. :)

My mental  state hasn’t been so hot but I know it’s because of everything that’s going on. I feel stretched thin but it will all fall into place. My medication was switched and it’s taking it’s time working. I have gained 20 pounds since starting the first med and it’s making me miserable. This new med that replaced it though should help me lose that weight. I hope so though because I really feel disgusting. It’s terrible. Especially concidering that I had lost so much weight after having Maddox, who will be a year old next month.

Logan’s 3rd birthday is on Thursday. Since the boys birthdays are so close together I am having a combined party. I don’t want to do all of the work twice and we are far enough away from family that one trip is good for them to make instead of two.

In August Regina will be 18. Holy fucking shit batman. I would be close to the end of child hood! But that’s not the case at all. I’ve got another 17 years before I can say that. Sigh. I love the kids, each and every one of them but this Mama is tired. Really tired. I turned 38 on Friday. My life is chugging along and of my whole life I’ll have had 35 years of kids under 18. If that doesn’t keep you young then I’m fucked.

I’ve been working on the stairwell and woodwork in the house and it’s been moving quickly. I’ll update more soon, Logan just woke up.


Well, now that that is over…

I hope everyone had a really wonderful Christmas. I hope you all were able to spend time with your families and friends and I hope your gatherings were nice.

We had a really nice Christmas this year. On Christmas Eve we went to my parents and we got to see my sister and her husband and baby, my brother and my parents. Maddox and Logan both had a blast and enjoyed all of the attention and of course, the presents.

Aidan and I were up until 2am getting the wrapping finished up, putting together the kitchen set and then putting the gifts out.

Mandatory tree drama..

We decided to put the little boys gifts in front of the fireplace and not under the tree because this is what it looks like:


Yes friends, my tree must have heard all the shit I was talking and decided on revenge. It’s dropping all of it’s needles. ALL. OF. IT’S. NEEDLES. Do you see that pile to the right?


Yes, that one.. That was only one of many. It may just look like a pile of green, but that is a massive pile of needles. Billions of them. Gazillions of needles everywhere.

All we can do is laugh really. I mean the ridiculousness of the whole tree situation is just flat out laughable.

And yet.. Aidan still doesn’t want to get a fake tree next year.

The point is.. we were smart to put the gifts in front of the fireplace and not under the tree. If anyone blinks too hard needles fall and cover anything in their path to the floor.

Reaching under the tree for gifts was NOT an option. Breathing in the same room is barely an option at this point.

Holly Jolly Christmas..

Aside from the tree and a small tiff with Aidan on Christmas Eve everything went smoothly and fantastic. Logan had SO much fun opening gifts and playing with his kitchen set.

I took a video of his reaction coming down in the morning. I love him so much, he is so adorable! And “so excited!” :)

Maddox even had a fun time opening his gift and playing with toys. Aidan seemed to really like the shirts Regina and I picked out for him and the other gifts I ordered. They were even the right size! Win!

When the big kids came home they were happy and thankful and really appreciated the gifts they received.

It was a nice morning.

In the afternoon Aidan and I went with the little’s to Aidan’s sister’s house for a family party. I felt awful (tired and sick) so I rested on the ride and once we got there I felt much better. It was a really nice party with great food and a happy family. Logan and Maddox both had a great time and that always makes me happy.

So Much Activities!

Logan’s first active Christmas was a success! I wanted it to be the best Christmas ever for him so he will look forward to it again next year. We did so many activities leading up to the main event:

  • Elf on the Shelf
  • made a lot of ornaments
  • made a lot of cookies
  • wrapped presents
  • looked at lights
  • had special outfits
  • saw Santa on a firetruck
  • met Santa in person
  • did the advent calendar
  • decorated the house
  • read stories
  • watched movies

Now of course I’ll have to hear about Santa and presents forever.. I guess I better start looking up crafts to make for Valentines Day! Gotta keep moving, right?!

New Tradition.. Beat the tree?

Today we are going to take what’s left of the “tree” down. It’s really early but it isn’t going to last much longer. I’m surprised it’s still standing in all it’s wondrous glory.

Honestly, I just don’t want anymore ornaments to fall and break otherwise I’d keep it up just to see if we could cover the whole floor with needles. Ha! We expect that there won’t be any needles left on it by the time I get the lights off so I guess I’ll find out.

However, if there are any still holding on Aidan wants to knock it a few times and see if he can’t get them all off before dragging it through the house and out the door. It’ll be like a pinata minus the treats.

Well, again, I hope you all had a great holiday and I’m not sad it’s over so you shouldn’t be either. Now we get to look forward to the New Year :)


I really shouldn’t complain but..

Yesterday was an okay day. Not bad, not great, but okay and almost good.

An exciting first half of the day..

Maddox wasn’t fussy again for the second day in a row and believe me that is surprising and wonderful. Logan wasn’t too terrible and when he did start acting up I distracted him with things like coloring, making eggs and then making dinner.

Then our new vacuum arrived and he had a ton of fun playing with the boxes and the attachments. He lives for both. Coincidentally I live for the vacuum too, it cleans things, and being without a working one for almost two weeks was driving me mad. So we were both very happy, entertained and busy once it arrived.

I am a sad and sorry housewife.

After sucking up 12 pounds of dust, rug shed and cat fur, I started to get the little ones ready to leave the house. Regina had a doctor’s appointment that required me picking her up after school. I threw caution to the wind earlier in the day and skipped Logan’s nap knowing it would be harder to wake him up early and get him ready than to deal with the crankiness. I also figured he’d pass out in the car, which he did.

Some brains..

I always try to give myself an hour to get the boys ready for an appointment. What takes an adult 15 minutes to do always takes 4 times longer with little ones. I was actually quite impressed when we were in the car 5 minutes early. Yay Mom!

I loaded Maddox up with squash before we left and he slept happily for the 2 hours we were out. The whole time. He didn’t wake up even once and that meant he wasn’t crying. Again, yay Mom!

Thrilling second half of the day..

After we got home Regina showered and I fed the little kids and entertained Logan with Youtube videos. Regina had to go to her new job at 6 to fill out paperwork and Aidan was going to be here so I wouldn’t have to bring the littles. Maddox puked all over himself for the 109th time of the day so I decided I’d give him a bath while I waited on Regina to get ready and Aidan to get home. Marshal had Logan on the porch and things were really calm and orderly so it was a prime time.

Aidan arrived on time, I gave him the run down of who needed what and when and then surprisingly Regina got to the mall on time. I found a spot in the parking lot and waited for her text to say what time she’d be done. Instead she called me 5 minutes later and said we’d have to go back tomorrow because the manager wasn’t there.


Oh well. It was better than sitting in a parking lot for 2 hours, right? I also got a little break from the boys and that was nice. Usually Regina and I chat a lot but we were pretty quiet. It was weird of us but okay, guess we both had other things to think about.

Back at home the house was still standing and Marshal and Aidan hadn’t murdered each other.


And now for some complaining..

I played with the little ones while Aidan used the bathroom and then we eventually settled into bedtime.

Aidan is really getting frustrated with my lack of desire to have sex. I know it pisses him off that I am never in the mood and it’s annoying to me that I am this way right now, too. What annoys me more is when he tries. I know, oh my god, I’m lame now. I am not trying to be this way, I just have so much on my mind and feel like the stress is never going to go away.

Plus I’m annoyed with him — about not painting the living room yet. He was off for two weeks and washed half of a wall.  Come on. I would be happy to do it if he’d take the kids out for the day, but noo I have to breastfeed and Maddox won’t take a bottle.

Anyway it’s been 75 fucking days since he started the project and he’s worked on it 3 times for maybe an hour each time. Are you fucking kidding? All the paint shit is all over the house, too. Clutter frustrates the shit out of me and it’s hard to clean around. Not to mention I am sick of telling Logan to not touch the stuff 34 times a day.

I think if he would just get the fucking project done we’d have tons of sex. Seriously, it’s really bothering me and I am pissed off at him so no I don’t want to do it.

It also aggravates me that he never puts his dirty dishes in the dishwasher.

I suppose if they are my only two complaints I should get over myself but damn I can’t just let it go. I also should just talk to him about it but I know he will get all defensive and that would just piss me off even more.

Breathe. It’s really not that bad.


Feeling Unsure

Yesterday was meh. I was feeling positive when I woke up but after a few hours and a few stressful phone calls to the insurance company I was full of anxiety that I just couldn’t shake. For two hours, even after resolving the issue I was calling them about, I couldn’t settle down. My chest was tight, my breathing was shallow and my brain wouldn’t be quiet. I did calm down after two hours but I still don’t understand why I was having a panic attack.

Maddox wasn’t cranky yesterday so that was great. Logan was being sort of bratty but he is going through some jealousy right now and the terrible two’s so I wasn’t affected much by his behavior.

I had my doctors appointment in the afternoon. Regina watched Logan at home and I brought Maddox. He was good for a long time but at the end of the appointment he started getting fussy. Thankfully once we got in the truck he fell asleep. The doctor gave me an increase on the Zoloft to help with the anxiety more and another script for a different medication. It’s one that causes weight gain and excessive tiredness but isn’t supposed to be bad for breastfeeding.

I did a little research last night and found mostly complaints of weight gain. Ugh. I do not want to gain any weight, not even a pound.He prescribed me the lowest dosage possible when I told him that. I still want to do more research before I take it. I’m still not sure 100% about the breastfeeding, so I want to do more reading.

I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I felt “normal” I really can’t. My head has always been noisy and I’ve always been anxious and sad and just generally unsettled. Not feeling all of that every day would be really wonderful, I think. I just can’t imagine it, ya know? I’ve always been this way.

One Hell of a Friday

Let’s see.. it’s 7:30 am on a Saturday and everyone (except Maddox!) is already awake. I came downstairs at 6:30 to write and there was Regina.. She claims that she slept at her friends and came home super early because the girl has a job interview at 8am. Yeah. The hickey on her neck was a dead give away that she was just having a late night.

It was too early to argue so I just told her I didn’t believe her and started making coffee. She wanted to chat my ear off, which is nice and I usually enjoy but I wasn’t awake yet. Then I went upstairs to use the bathroom and came out to find Logan and Aidan stalking the door.

I brought Logan downstairs with me and was getting him set up with some breakfast when I heard Marshall coming up from his room. “Why is everyone awake?!” I asked Logan as if he knew the answer.

All of the big people have seemed to find their ways back to their beds. Now it’s just me and Logan and I suppose I had something to write about.

How exciting. My life is thrilling!

Yesterday was the pits

So yesterday sucked big time. Maddox fussed and fussed all fucking day and I wanted to drive myself off of a bridge. Okay that’s dramatic, but damn that kid whined and cried for like 10 hours straight unless I was holding him.. In very specific positions. He wouldn’t nap, he was having a hard time eating. All he wanted to do was poop and obviously I couldn’t do that for him.

Regina had an interview at Holister at 4pm and because of unpredicted and rediculous traffic she got there at 4:05pm. They still interviewed her but I don’t know.. Also I told her to dress for the job and while she looked nice she didn’t look like she was dressed for Holister, she looked more like she was interviewing at Hot Topic or Goths R Us. She was wearing Holister jeans.. black ones.. but whatever.

I had planned to apply a a few places while we were there but because Maddox was so stinking miserable and didn’t nap I didn’t get to shower. I was a hot mess (literally I had hot flashes all day from the depo shot) and totally discombobulated with my outfit. I don’t even think Five Below would have been interested in hiring me with the way I was looking. Plus  I had two little ones in tow — that doesn’t really scream professionalism.

Back at home Maddox screamed a lot more, in fact before we got home he screamed the whole ride there, 25 minutes non stop. When Aidan finally got home I bit his head off just because I was in a bitchy mood. I seriously was stressed the fuck out. It wasn’t nice of me but all I could think about was his luxurious life of driving by himself to and from work and then having a nice 8 hour break from this hell hole.

Of course he got Maddox to fall asleep and was obnoxious about it. If I had any strength in my body I would have punched him in the fucking face when he informed me of how brillant he is and how sucky I am. I threatened him with the murder of myself or him if he dared speak to me again for the rest of the night.


I went to bed early and even though I am still sweating like a pig I feel a little better knowing it’s a new day. I hope it’s better than the last.

Long Time Coming

Holy cow, it’s been a long time since I’ve last written! I think this was the longest I’ve gone without writing since I started this blog. I blame it on the daylight change (it has the babies waking up earlier) and the fact that Aidan was going into work (his new job) much earlier than ever before.

This morning though I got up early, determined to write. Could I have slept and enjoyed an extra 45 minutes in bed? You bet, but sometimes making time for yourself to do what’s important to you is a better idea.

So what’s been going on this week? Let’s see…

The kids were off from school for election day on Tuesday. Regina cleaned her room (!) for most of the day and Marshal was out and about.

Hey Peoples!

Logan is a chatty patty. Seriously. He won’t be quiet for even a minute. While at the play ground the other day he saw a little boy he has played with before. This little boy and his grandparents are Asian and do not speak English but that didn’t stop Logan..

Hey peoples!

Hey peoples!

Hey peoples!

I eat bananas sometimes.

I eat grapes sometimes.

I peel banana.

Hey peoples.

Do you see the trees fall leaves in autumn?

They didn’t respond to him at all because they had no idea that he was even talking to them. I didn’t want him to get discouraged about sharing his love of fruit with strangers so I explained to him that they spoke another language and that they weren’t being rude. Smart boy actually understood.

Yesterday we were in the waiting room of a doctors office and chatty patty started to tell a stranger that Maddox spits up all the time. He’s going to be one of those kids who spills all the family secrets, I can see it now.

Get in my belly! No, Hold me!

Maddox has been eating baby food for a little over a week now. He’s doing great with it and is now eating a whole container in one sitting. I only feed him solids once a day but he knows when he it’s time to eat and gets sooo excited when he sees the spoon. So far he’s had applesauce, squash, bananas and sweet potatoes. This boy can eat and he’s a little chunkster.


He’s also adorable.

And he wants to be held most of the day which is a total pain in the ass.

I’ve started giving him toys in hopes that they will occupy him and they do help a little. He does well with a jingly stuffed animal, a soft baby book that crinkles and plastic rings he can chew on.

I haven’t been able to get much done around the house because of his need to be held and while it drives me insane I need to realize it is a phase and it won’t last long. Soon enough he will be like Logan and saying “NO HUGS!” sigh.. Can there be some middle ground?

Shiny and New

Aidan got his new car. After going to a few dealerships last week he finally found what he was looking for. His old car was starting to get to that stage when it would need one repair after another and it had something like 150k miles on it. At first he was going to lease something for 2 years but in the end it made much more sense to buy one. So he bought a really nice Honda Civic SI. It’s a 2 door which I immediately got annoyed with but after a minute of thinking about it I didn’t care. I think it’s great. He’s thrilled with it, we have the truck to drive when we go anywhere and the payments aren’t very high at all.

It’s a hard pill to swallow thinking about car payments though. 5 months ago we didn’t have any and now we have two. I’d really like to get a part time job, just to make enough to cover the payments on the truck and the car but I can’t trust what would go on here if I was working at night. Aidan and Marshal have not been getting along AT ALL and I worry that all hell would break loose. On top of breastfeeding and having to make dinner and not being able to see the big kids.. Something will work out eventually. I’d really like to be making some money though.

Evidence of our existence..

I started going through the computers and pulling together photos that I want to get printed. So far I have pulled together about 400 pictures, going back about 7 years. I still have a few folders to get through and it’s a long and kind of annoying task. It’ll be worth it though. Regina knows of a place that will give you 1,000 prints for free, you just need to pay shipping. I also have coupons for free photo books from Shutterfly. For years I’ve said I’d do this big project and I am determined to get it done in the next few days.

Okay so that’s it for now. Have a great weekend. I’ll try to write some more today to talk about the other stuff going on around here.

Apple Sauce or Poo?

So yesterday we decided it was time to give Maddox his first taste of food.. Applesauce to be precise. Because he can’t fully sit up on his own I enlisted in Regina’s help to hold him.. while Aidan fed him.. Logan demanded attention.. and I took one thousand pictures of the event.

It was a family affair.

Of the one thousand pictures I took only one turned out un-blurry(ish):


I will need to try this again.

Maddox didn’t particularly look like he was enjoying his first taste of food but he was certainly eager to keep eating it. Altogether he probably had a teaspoon or so and it seemed to be a good amount to start with. Today we will try again. I will try getting better pictures. Maybe I’ll even get one of him looking like we are not feeding him shit.