Losing someone is different than losing touch


Last night I received some very sad news that my ex-sister in law passed away. She was 33 and left behind 3 children. I am so sad about this, even though I haven’t spoken to her in years. There was a time when we were really close but that was a decade a go. I still remember all the fun times and deep talks we had. She got lost along the way and I was pretty mad at her for leaving her family. I really was mad at her for breaking my brother in laws heart, but her leaving was what she needed to do. She still saw her kids and wanted to always see them more. I am so sad for them. They have a wonderful step mom who loves them like her own but losing your real mother at such young ages is probably the worst thing a child can go through.


Oddly enough I have been thinking about her quite a bit lately. A few months before she left my brother in law and their kids she was diagnosed as bi-polar. She was in a manic state for a few months and ended up changing the whole family by talking brother in law to buying a house and moving (the guys) grandmom in to help with bills. I was so mad because Grandma told me she didn’t want to move, and if she was to choose she’d like to live in a retirement community. I spoke up for her but it caused trouble with my father in law and then Grandma denied saying it. I was angry at Grandma and at Ang.

Not long after they moved Grandma fell ill and passed away which I don’t believe would have happened if she didn’t move. Ang left around that time, too.

I guess I never forgave her. We were once as close as sisters and I felt abandoned and confused much like everyone else in her life did. I forgive her now though. I pray for her babies and know she will watching them from above.


A little bit of color and a fun weekend

Good morning, happy Monday :) Can you believe Thanksgiving is next week? I really can’t! That means Christmas is only a few weeks away and then the new year will be here before we know it. This year went so fast for me, even with the pregnancy that felt like it would last forever. I guess that happens as we get older.

This weekend was good! We had a birthday party to go to on Saturday and then yesterday we did some big cleaning and organizing jobs. Oh and you’ll never believe this.. Aidan finally started painting. Like there is fresh paint on the walls. Yup :) The hallway was started last night and he did great!

The color looks darker than I imagined it would but it wasn’t primed separately because the paint has primer in it and I said I didn’t think it was necessary. The walls downstairs need to be primed though because of all the patchwork so we will see if that made a difference. Also I haven’t seen it in sunlight and this is one of those colors that looks totally different depending on light. So far I’ve seen blue and grey and green. In dark lighting it looks like a toned down forrest green. I cant wait til the sun comes up and I can see some sunlight on it!

Seriously excited!

I’ll take some pictures today :)

Well, I hear the babies are up so I wish you all a great start to the week!

ps I met Regina’s boyfriend and I like him. He’s very nice and really cute, go Regina!

Yesterday rocked

Yesterday I was awesome! Awesome, awesome, awesome! I was able to get so much stuff done around the house and had energy pretty much the whole day.

I was able to write, clean the kitchen, do laundry, paint my nails, give the boys baths, pull out/sort through bigger clothes for Maddox from the attic and then take Regina back to the mall to fill out the paperwork for her new job.

I was also able to squeeze in the newest episode of Nashville while I folded laundry. Do any of you watch that? It’s definitely a favorite of mine.

I’m not really in the mood to write a lot today so I’ll end this post with a short but sweet video of Maddox laughing and having a good time with his book..

Happy Friday :)


I really shouldn’t complain but..

Yesterday was an okay day. Not bad, not great, but okay and almost good.

An exciting first half of the day..

Maddox wasn’t fussy again for the second day in a row and believe me that is surprising and wonderful. Logan wasn’t too terrible and when he did start acting up I distracted him with things like coloring, making eggs and then making dinner.

Then our new vacuum arrived and he had a ton of fun playing with the boxes and the attachments. He lives for both. Coincidentally I live for the vacuum too, it cleans things, and being without a working one for almost two weeks was driving me mad. So we were both very happy, entertained and busy once it arrived.

I am a sad and sorry housewife.

After sucking up 12 pounds of dust, rug shed and cat fur, I started to get the little ones ready to leave the house. Regina had a doctor’s appointment that required me picking her up after school. I threw caution to the wind earlier in the day and skipped Logan’s nap knowing it would be harder to wake him up early and get him ready than to deal with the crankiness. I also figured he’d pass out in the car, which he did.

Some brains..

I always try to give myself an hour to get the boys ready for an appointment. What takes an adult 15 minutes to do always takes 4 times longer with little ones. I was actually quite impressed when we were in the car 5 minutes early. Yay Mom!

I loaded Maddox up with squash before we left and he slept happily for the 2 hours we were out. The whole time. He didn’t wake up even once and that meant he wasn’t crying. Again, yay Mom!

Thrilling second half of the day..

After we got home Regina showered and I fed the little kids and entertained Logan with Youtube videos. Regina had to go to her new job at 6 to fill out paperwork and Aidan was going to be here so I wouldn’t have to bring the littles. Maddox puked all over himself for the 109th time of the day so I decided I’d give him a bath while I waited on Regina to get ready and Aidan to get home. Marshal had Logan on the porch and things were really calm and orderly so it was a prime time.

Aidan arrived on time, I gave him the run down of who needed what and when and then surprisingly Regina got to the mall on time. I found a spot in the parking lot and waited for her text to say what time she’d be done. Instead she called me 5 minutes later and said we’d have to go back tomorrow because the manager wasn’t there.


Oh well. It was better than sitting in a parking lot for 2 hours, right? I also got a little break from the boys and that was nice. Usually Regina and I chat a lot but we were pretty quiet. It was weird of us but okay, guess we both had other things to think about.

Back at home the house was still standing and Marshal and Aidan hadn’t murdered each other.


And now for some complaining..

I played with the little ones while Aidan used the bathroom and then we eventually settled into bedtime.

Aidan is really getting frustrated with my lack of desire to have sex. I know it pisses him off that I am never in the mood and it’s annoying to me that I am this way right now, too. What annoys me more is when he tries. I know, oh my god, I’m lame now. I am not trying to be this way, I just have so much on my mind and feel like the stress is never going to go away.

Plus I’m annoyed with him — about not painting the living room yet. He was off for two weeks and washed half of a wall.  Come on. I would be happy to do it if he’d take the kids out for the day, but noo I have to breastfeed and Maddox won’t take a bottle.

Anyway it’s been 75 fucking days since he started the project and he’s worked on it 3 times for maybe an hour each time. Are you fucking kidding? All the paint shit is all over the house, too. Clutter frustrates the shit out of me and it’s hard to clean around. Not to mention I am sick of telling Logan to not touch the stuff 34 times a day.

I think if he would just get the fucking project done we’d have tons of sex. Seriously, it’s really bothering me and I am pissed off at him so no I don’t want to do it.

It also aggravates me that he never puts his dirty dishes in the dishwasher.

I suppose if they are my only two complaints I should get over myself but damn I can’t just let it go. I also should just talk to him about it but I know he will get all defensive and that would just piss me off even more.

Breathe. It’s really not that bad.


Feeling Unsure

Yesterday was meh. I was feeling positive when I woke up but after a few hours and a few stressful phone calls to the insurance company I was full of anxiety that I just couldn’t shake. For two hours, even after resolving the issue I was calling them about, I couldn’t settle down. My chest was tight, my breathing was shallow and my brain wouldn’t be quiet. I did calm down after two hours but I still don’t understand why I was having a panic attack.

Maddox wasn’t cranky yesterday so that was great. Logan was being sort of bratty but he is going through some jealousy right now and the terrible two’s so I wasn’t affected much by his behavior.

I had my doctors appointment in the afternoon. Regina watched Logan at home and I brought Maddox. He was good for a long time but at the end of the appointment he started getting fussy. Thankfully once we got in the truck he fell asleep. The doctor gave me an increase on the Zoloft to help with the anxiety more and another script for a different medication. It’s one that causes weight gain and excessive tiredness but isn’t supposed to be bad for breastfeeding.

I did a little research last night and found mostly complaints of weight gain. Ugh. I do not want to gain any weight, not even a pound.He prescribed me the lowest dosage possible when I told him that. I still want to do more research before I take it. I’m still not sure 100% about the breastfeeding, so I want to do more reading.

I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I felt “normal” I really can’t. My head has always been noisy and I’ve always been anxious and sad and just generally unsettled. Not feeling all of that every day would be really wonderful, I think. I just can’t imagine it, ya know? I’ve always been this way.

Really super random

So Regina had a pretty good day yesterday, even though it was Marshal’s birthday it seems luck was on her side. Holister hired her and she officially has a new boyfriend.

I’m happy for her and I think it’s great that the job worked out despite her being a few minutes late to the interview and not dressed the way I thought she should have been.

I’m also glad she has her new boyfriend. She has been seeing him for a while and went to his homecoming game with him a few weeks ago so I’m glad they finally made it official. I haven’t met this boy yet but Marshal knows him and seems to like him and he definitely doesn’t like everyone.

This morning I tried to do a Julianne Michaels yoga video. I lasted 7 minutes. While the workout wasn’t very hard it was hard to see the poses and do them at the same time so I gave up. I haven’t done yoga in like 8 years so I really need a refresher and should probably watch the video first. I loved yoga in tthe past and know it feels so good so I really want to get back into it. Doing the few poses I do know by heart occasionally is good but not really beneficial.

I have my second psychiatrist appointment today and I wonder what he is going to say about me not taking that second medication for the bipolar. I just can’t take it knowing that they haven’t researched the effects on breastfed babies. Not worth the risk.

Well, have a great day.



Today is Marshal’s 16th birthday. Sixteen. He was my baby up until 2 and a half years ago and I can’t believe he is now almost an adult. He’s still so young but wow. Sixteen. I remember turning sixteen and feeling like such a grown up. I imagine he feels the same.



There is still so much for him to learn about and experience in life. My wish for him this year is that he won’t rush into adulthood any more than he already has and of course that he will be happy.