Cookie’s Buttons

Yesterday was great. It was a fun day at work and even though I was working by myself there were still plenty of customers to talk to and get to know. A lot of self proclaimed regulars were in the store and they all seemed very nice. There was one difficult customer but she ended up walking away happy, well as happy as she could have been, I think she is normally a grump, but she wasn’t furious when she left, so that was good.

My mom started a button collection a few years ago and last week I happened upon a button collection from my bosses grandmother that they were going to sell. I scooped it right up and thought it would be a great gift for Christmas. The tin was very beat up so I decided to look for something better for her to keep them in. The other day I happened upon a depression glass cookie jar with the word cookies on it that would have been perfect. My moms nickname is Cookie and it was the right size.

1cookie

I really wanted to get it but it was a bid item and with the shipping it would have been close to $60. So I was disappointed to let it go, but I did. Well, wouldn’t you know that while I was at work yesterday I just happened to look up in a spot I usually look at and low and behold, there was the same jar, in better shape and for 25% off $50?! How fucking strange and wonderful is that?! I never saw it there before and like magic it was there, right in front of my face :)

The jar pictured above is the photo from the auction site. That one has a green lid and the label isn’t as worn as the one in the store which has a silver lid. The label at the store has the “s” worn off so it says “COOKIE” how seriously perfect :)

I’m getting it today, I have already set it aside! I hope she loves her gift. I think she will! Me and the boys enjoyed going through the buttons so I can see why she likes to collect them :) It’s definitely the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever gotten for anyone. I always have big ideas about thoughtful gifts but they never work out. I hope it will mean a lot to her. Giving it means a lot to me.

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Not even a wiff

Good morning, happy hump day everyone! I hope that all of you are having a great week. For me it feels like time is moving but I am stuck in place. I don’t know if that means I’ve “checked out” like I have a habit of doing in times of stress or if I just can’t keep up. I’m thinking it’s more or less that I’ve checked out and I am running on auto-pilot.

I have always had a great way of shutting down when things are pretty tough. It’s not a bad thing, per say, but it’s not really a good thing either. Do you know the term fight or flight? Well, it’s a survival instinct and over the course of my life I don’t know if I am fighting or flighting but I am surviving and I suppose that counts for something.

Anyway, I am really worried and upset about my mother. I took her to her primary doctor on Monday. I was dreading going because I was worried she was going to be awful and nasty but that wasn’t the case at all. She was in a really good mood and chatted the whole time. The doctor told her “Point blank — you may not drink. Not a sip or a sniff even. NO drinking.” She went on her comeback that she is 69 and she will drink and blah blah but she didn’t get crazy.

She didn’t get crazy with me after we left and she told me to stop at the liquor store. She tried to threaten me that she would take a bottle of pills but when I asked her if she was going to rephrase that or if she wanted me to drive straight to the hospital for threatening suicide she dropped it. She said she didn’t know what she was going to do about getting liquor and I told her that this isn’t who she is and that she only really wanted it now was because she was told no. I told her to focus on cooking and baking for the night and that would keep her occupied and happy.

My brother complained about how big of a mess there was in the kitchen because mom had been cooking again and I told him that was great. I told him what I told her and I told him to compliment her food and thank her. Then I went on about how all 3 of them need to appreciate and be verbal about appreciating one another more. The three of them have terrible self esteem and it’s because they are all chronically complaining and bickering. They need some positivity. A LOT of it.

Her neurology appointment is in 3 weeks, I really hope she can make it until then without being hospitalized again. I miss my mom and as much as I preach about them not being positive I sure do wish I appreciated my mom  better when she was herself.

Stubborn or Stupid

sigh.

sigh.

ugh.

There is so much that I have to write about when it comes to Marshal. Life’s been a struggle for him lately and he just can’t seem to shake it off. I don’t know if I mentioned that he went to truancy court for cutting just about all of his classes for most of the year.

Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it) the truancy officer knows my two kids and I very well and has been a great help to us for a few years. She met Marshal when he was in 5th grade, 4 years ago, when she was in the counseling department.

That time of our lives was the beginning of our long and difficult journey in regards to getting him diagnosed, medicated, therapy and an IEP. This was also at the time when everything blew up on the home front and led to my divorce.

In any case, she worked with Marshal and a few years ago started working with Regina when she was having a really tough time in school.

The truancy officer has been a great mentor for Regina, a caring support for all of us and has gone above and beyond in trying to help me help these kids.

So when we met a few weeks ago to talk about the big kids cutting and I found out how bad the situation was becoming I asked that she bring him to court. He doesn’t always (if ever) take me serious but he does pay attention to a judge.

So we went to court, he got the run down of the law and the consequences and a new meeting was set up with the school to see if we can get him placed in a smaller school. The high school here is huge and frankly too much for him. I’ve been pushing for placement at another school for him for over three years and (now that it’s almost too late) they are seeing it through my eyes.

Soo…

Anyway. He’s involved with truancy courts.

But that wasn’t enough. Yesterday afternoon he was out with his friends at the local rec center and apparently there was a group of about 20 kids, 2 of which were fighting. A neighbor of the rec center called the police and said someone (matching my son’s description) had a knife and a gun.

Obviously a thousand cop cars pulled up and my son wasn’t aware of what was going on. He did have a knife on him and when they pulled up aggressively and demanded he get up against the car he took off running. Big mistake.

Anyway, he was arrested and charged with Disorderly Conduct and Escape. The police had him for bout 3-4 hours and were roughing him up. He was shook up when I got him. He doesn’t get it though. It’s all a mess and there is a lot more to say but now he is awake and talking to me about fighting charges. He really doesn’t get it.

I’ll write more later.

 

Feeling Unsure

Yesterday was meh. I was feeling positive when I woke up but after a few hours and a few stressful phone calls to the insurance company I was full of anxiety that I just couldn’t shake. For two hours, even after resolving the issue I was calling them about, I couldn’t settle down. My chest was tight, my breathing was shallow and my brain wouldn’t be quiet. I did calm down after two hours but I still don’t understand why I was having a panic attack.

Maddox wasn’t cranky yesterday so that was great. Logan was being sort of bratty but he is going through some jealousy right now and the terrible two’s so I wasn’t affected much by his behavior.

I had my doctors appointment in the afternoon. Regina watched Logan at home and I brought Maddox. He was good for a long time but at the end of the appointment he started getting fussy. Thankfully once we got in the truck he fell asleep. The doctor gave me an increase on the Zoloft to help with the anxiety more and another script for a different medication. It’s one that causes weight gain and excessive tiredness but isn’t supposed to be bad for breastfeeding.

I did a little research last night and found mostly complaints of weight gain. Ugh. I do not want to gain any weight, not even a pound.He prescribed me the lowest dosage possible when I told him that. I still want to do more research before I take it. I’m still not sure 100% about the breastfeeding, so I want to do more reading.

I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I felt “normal” I really can’t. My head has always been noisy and I’ve always been anxious and sad and just generally unsettled. Not feeling all of that every day would be really wonderful, I think. I just can’t imagine it, ya know? I’ve always been this way.

One Hell of a Friday

Let’s see.. it’s 7:30 am on a Saturday and everyone (except Maddox!) is already awake. I came downstairs at 6:30 to write and there was Regina.. She claims that she slept at her friends and came home super early because the girl has a job interview at 8am. Yeah. The hickey on her neck was a dead give away that she was just having a late night.

It was too early to argue so I just told her I didn’t believe her and started making coffee. She wanted to chat my ear off, which is nice and I usually enjoy but I wasn’t awake yet. Then I went upstairs to use the bathroom and came out to find Logan and Aidan stalking the door.

I brought Logan downstairs with me and was getting him set up with some breakfast when I heard Marshall coming up from his room. “Why is everyone awake?!” I asked Logan as if he knew the answer.

All of the big people have seemed to find their ways back to their beds. Now it’s just me and Logan and I suppose I had something to write about.

How exciting. My life is thrilling!

Yesterday was the pits

So yesterday sucked big time. Maddox fussed and fussed all fucking day and I wanted to drive myself off of a bridge. Okay that’s dramatic, but damn that kid whined and cried for like 10 hours straight unless I was holding him.. In very specific positions. He wouldn’t nap, he was having a hard time eating. All he wanted to do was poop and obviously I couldn’t do that for him.

Regina had an interview at Holister at 4pm and because of unpredicted and rediculous traffic she got there at 4:05pm. They still interviewed her but I don’t know.. Also I told her to dress for the job and while she looked nice she didn’t look like she was dressed for Holister, she looked more like she was interviewing at Hot Topic or Goths R Us. She was wearing Holister jeans.. black ones.. but whatever.

I had planned to apply a a few places while we were there but because Maddox was so stinking miserable and didn’t nap I didn’t get to shower. I was a hot mess (literally I had hot flashes all day from the depo shot) and totally discombobulated with my outfit. I don’t even think Five Below would have been interested in hiring me with the way I was looking. Plus  I had two little ones in tow — that doesn’t really scream professionalism.

Back at home Maddox screamed a lot more, in fact before we got home he screamed the whole ride there, 25 minutes non stop. When Aidan finally got home I bit his head off just because I was in a bitchy mood. I seriously was stressed the fuck out. It wasn’t nice of me but all I could think about was his luxurious life of driving by himself to and from work and then having a nice 8 hour break from this hell hole.

Of course he got Maddox to fall asleep and was obnoxious about it. If I had any strength in my body I would have punched him in the fucking face when he informed me of how brillant he is and how sucky I am. I threatened him with the murder of myself or him if he dared speak to me again for the rest of the night.

Anyway..

I went to bed early and even though I am still sweating like a pig I feel a little better knowing it’s a new day. I hope it’s better than the last.

Feel Better About Your Life… Read About Mine

Hell yeah! She’s a mother fuckin princess!

Being that Regina is a senior this year she has decided to participate in all of the senior activities she can. In the latest of activities the school was running a “Miss Something or Another” campaign, contest, or whatever. The activity involved paying $15 to enter, picking a title, getting a sash, wearing an outfit and having your picture taken for the yearbook before walking around the school all day in your costume.

What this activity had to do with education Halloween life anything at all was beyond me. But she was doing something school related and for that I was happy.

She paid her 15 bucks, named herself Miss Malibu and chose her outfit.

Then she came home early this week pissed off.

Apparently they were taking the yearbook photo at 7:20 am. She is in am tech school so she wouldn’t get to be in the photo. The thought of not being in the yearbook was distressing to her so being the idiot super mom that I am, I volunteered to drive Regina to her school and then after the photo was taken to drive her to tech.

I had my own meeting set for 9am with the truancy officer of the high school to discuss both of the big kids and their habit of cutting classes. After driving her to tech I’d go to the school and be embarrassed by their actions once again.

It’s only right — It’s OCTOBER and they’ve been in school for two months so it was high time for them to get into some shit..

Anyway.

I asked Regina the night before if she wanted to get up early so she could have extra time to get ready. She said no. The next morning I woke Regina up at the regular time and told her I was getting in the shower and to get up so we could leave in 40 minutes.

“NO! I need a shower!” she moaned.

“I’ll be super fast. I’m getting in.” I growled.

Eight minutes later, showered and dressed, I told her the bathroom was free.

She now had 30 minutes to get ready for her picture.

After taking her 25 minute luxurious shower I let Regina know we needed to leave in 5 minutes.

She said nothing.

5 minutes later… “Regina, we have to go.”

“I’m NOT ready.”

20 minutes later she appears.

Ignoring her 6 inch platform pink hooker shoes, bikini top and minuscule skirt I said, “I guess I’m just driving you to tech then?”

“Yeah, sorry.”

I got showered and dressed in record time for no reason whatsoever. Fine.

After a few minor issues getting her into the tech building I drove off, headed towards the high school for my bad parent meeting, filled with anxiety.

I clearly have no control over my children and their need to do whatever they want — specifically, in this case, cutting every fucking class they have every fucking day, and making me rush through becoming presentable so luxurious showers can be taken before dressing like a prostitute for a school contest that announces no winners.

Hey Mama, your kids are gorgeous assholes!

Sadly enough all the administration of the school know who I am. I’ve been to more meetings in the school than I could ever even count and when I arrive at the building it’s like a parade for me. Many of the administrators, councilors, teachers, security guards, secretaries and janitors come over to chat. They smile and ask how the babies are then tell me how beautiful and nice the big kids are.

Mental note: buy more Christmas cards.

On the outside, while speaking to the many people, I am smiling. On the inside I am dying. None of these people know me because I am a part of the PTO, on the staff, or because I go to all of the school functions. No — they know me because I am the mother who raised two delinquents and then started over 15 years later to ruin the world a little more.

I don’t even want to suggest what is running through their minds but I can only imagine.

I am fairly certain that I make them feel much better about their lives though.

Let’s just say the meeting lasted for over 2 hours and things didn’t go well for anyone. Of course the ball is now clearly in the big kids court after I urged the truancy officer to send Marshal to court. At least he will receive some COURT ORDERED counseling because it is well know he would not participate otherwise. I pushed to have him transferred to a boarding school and we are on that path but it is a long, slow road to get there. In other words — it’ll never happen.

In the end, after talking in circles, no one felt any better about my children’s enthusiasm towards finishing high school and becoming an outstanding member of society.

There was some good that came from the meeting however. While no less than 5 of us tried to figure out ways to get both of the idiots to graduate I realized that these people are on my side. They know that I know my kids are being unrealistic and that I am trying with all of my being to get them to go to school, go to class, to not fail or give up and to graduate.

They know I am ripping my hair out trying to help and guide these badly bruised kids. I feel okay about myself and it’s nice to know there are so many others who really care for my children and want them to succeed in life.

Home Sweet Home

After the meeting I was still feeling like an anxious fucking lunatic and came home to Aidan and the little ones. Aidan wants to go buy a new car.

…Okay. (?)

He eats some lunch while I get Maddox to fall asleep. Aidan then puts Logan upstairs for his nap before heading out. All is right-ish with the world minus my ridiculous anxiety that won’t leave me the fuck alone.

I try to relax a little.

I put on the new Nashville, hoping it will calm me down before Logan wakes up and the big kids come home from school. Or wherever the fuck they go during the day..

As I am watching my show I can hear Logan playing with something upstairs but leave him be. I figure he will fall back asleep and leave it at that.

20 minutes later I hear him start crying like a maniac.

I went upstairs, begging him to be quiet as I walked towards him hoping he wouldn’t wake Maddox up. I quietly asked what’s wrong. He only answered with more voluminous cries. When I reached him I could see over his shoulder that he was “playing” with the box of gripe water that someone left on the nightstand.

Playing — verb; shredding a box into a million little pieces; opening a bottle of medicine then dumping liquid contents all over pillows, sheets, hair and body; a way to really piss mom off.

It took everything in me to not scream at the top of my lungs.

I silently stripped the bed while smoke shot out of my ears.

Maddox woke up screaming.

The big kids come home.

Marshal is looking pathetic knowing that he’s fucked up, again, and will have to go to his favorite place of all places — court. He plays with the little kids before having to leave for work while I heat up soup for everyone, including Aidan who returned without a new car. All the while I continued to breathe deeply. One failed attempt after another was spent trying to get rid of the anxiety that was burning my insides.

Craig. Craig.

It was time to drive Marshal to work. Marshal gets into the car and smells like he was clam baking for days. I put down the windows and snapped. “You fucking smell like weed!” I fumed.

“What? Huh? Me?”

Are you the biggest fucking idiot?

“Yes! You! I am not stupid! I hope you don’t get fired!” I yelled.

We didn’t speak again until he was getting out of the car. “Have a good night.” He might be an asshole but I do love him.

I pull out of the pizza shop driveway, turn down the street and then my phone starts ringing. It’s Marshall.

“Mom, can you come back? I think I am fired.”

“What happened?” I asked when he got in the car.

“They tried calling me in on Monday but I didn’t get the message, so they fired me.”

How’d he get fired on his day off? It’s like the movie Friday but in real life.

It was true –they did call and leave a voicemail on Monday (which I heard on Tuesday) but I doubt that would be the only reason for a firing though.

Maybe they didn’t even fire him.
Maybe he was just too high to understand a word they were saying.

Maybe they just don’t want Snoop Dog washing their dishes.

Serenity Now!!

Back at the house Logan is doing every fucking thing he can to get in trouble:

  • dumping the cat food into the water bowl
  • trying to rip out the thermostat register
  • being fresh
  • throwing Maddox’s playmat
  • running all over and climbing on the table

Maddox is screaming. He wants boob again for the 3,000th time today. He still refuses to sleep for more than 20 minutes.

I desperately (and rightfully) want to drink a bottle of wine. My anxiety is bursting through the roof and I feel like my head is going to explode. I go for a walk.

It helps.

When I come back 15 minutes later Maddox needs to eat again. There are still no sheets on my bed and Aidan is trying to play his mother fucking video game. Still feeling better I go to my special place of ignoring the world. After demanding sheets be put back on the bed I feed Maddox try to zone out. It’s not long after Maddox falls asleep that I join him.

But no, the day’s not over..

Sleeping for me consisted of being woken up by Maddox no less than 8 times. In the middle of the third feeding I could hear Marshall doing what could be described as hosting a circus in the living room at 1:30am.

After Maddox drifted back off I went downstairs to find Marshal high as fuck, the kitchen trashed, and every god damn light on in the house. I screamed in my night time voice for him to get the fuck into bed and not to dare give me any shit in the morning otherwise he’d face death.

He was going to school in the morning or being murdered.

This morning turned out okay. Both of the delinquents went to school and it didn’t involve me driving them anywhere or resorting to threats of violence. There is no liquid on my bed and I haven’t had to feed Maddox 36 times yet. Let’s hope the trend continues.

Ahh – just in time.. Maddox is fucking crying.

 

 

 

Plenty to Say

After it being pretty cold here for the past 2 days the temps are going back up into the 70’s for the rest of the week. I’m happy about that.. It’s too early to have the heat on, but it’s been on because it’s dropped below freezing already. Nuts, right? Since it’s going to be warm again I will be taking advantage and getting the kids to the park. Logan has been on a “no home” kick lately and I suppose I can’t blame him. It does get boring around here.

On Sunday we went to my nephew’s 4th birthday party. There were 4 kids there (5 if you count Maddox)  and a lot of adults. Logan had the time of his life. My nephew has ever single toy in the world (well, not every one but pretty dang close) and Logan was in Toy Story heaven. He played the whole time with the toys and had to be forced to eat something. He had a nice time with the other two boys, but they were older so they played together and Logan was mostly by himself, but he didn’t mind. Yesterday he kept saying “Where the peoples? Where’s Zurg? The party. Go back Minions? No home” It was cute the first few times but after a few hours of it I was starting to get annoyed lol

Speaking of Annoying..

Another thing that’s been an annoyance is Maddox and teething. It seems way to early for it to start but apparently it’s not. He is super duper fussy and drooling like mad. He’s also shoving everything in his mouth that he can and having a hard time nursing. When he is given Tylenol he seems to feel much better but I don’t even feel any teeth yet, so I can see he is going to be a fun guy to get through this phase.

The aggravation doesn’t stop there though — the office where I have been meeting with my therapist called me the other day to let me know that my therapist no longer works for them. I’ve only met with her twice but now I feel upset that I need to find someone new. They don’t have any openings with their therapists until January and I had a hard enough time setting up something in the first place because I was reluctant. Argh. Figures, right? So. That’s great.

Even better, yet — Regina informed me yesterday that she was fired from her job. She said it was because they were cutting back hours for the season but I think she tried calling out (probably one too many times.) That’s obviously on her but I worry she will become depressed. She has a pretty good lead at the salon she goes to, they are moving locations and said she could work there when they move, but they don’t know when they are moving. I reached out to my BFF to see if she could get her into Ulta, working with her, but they don’t hire under 18. So. That’s great, too.

Better Things to Talk About

I’m back to meal planning and cooking. We have been spending entirely way too much on takeout and are going to stop. Last night I made chicken fingers, corn and mac and cheese. Logan was thrilled, I think it’s his favorite meal. He kept saying, “yay, so excited! delicious!” He’s the best. Tonight I am making Nachos then Wednesday ground beef and pasta, Thursday I’ll make Black Bean soup and Friday French Onion Soup. I don’t know about the weekend but I’ll figure that out. I really enjoy cooking and even though I am not making anything fancy or complicated it feels good to get back into the kitchen nightly with a plan.

The increase in my prescription for Zoloft seems to be working better. I haven’t had a panic attack in 2 days and my mood seems to be on the up and up. That is fantastic. I hope it lasts. I’m still feeling anxious but when don’t I? Hopefully in a few weeks that feeling will go away also.

Well, have a great day everyone and if your where it the weather will be nice for the next few days, enjoy it!