A little pissed off right now

Let me tell you something..

I may be a little blazae blah with all my spelling and my grammar but whatever i am real. with right, with what I write and how i feel and i’m not perfect but that was a big flaw with me.. perfectionism.

it made me stop.

i am not stopping now and maybe i don’t have the readership, or the stats, or the conformity, but i think “well, whatever.”

the truth is this. he doesn’t believe in me.

All this time. all these years, he doesnt know jack shit about me or who i am or who i can be.

my ex knew and he was afraid of it

he knows and is doubtful.

too much of a risk?

come on.

what risk

a little here and there

and Nan, really?

fuck you both

it’s not about 85$

85 fucking dollars

it’s about the belief in me that i thought you both had

it’s the belief in me that you clearly do not

so fuck you both.

 

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Not even a wiff

Good morning, happy hump day everyone! I hope that all of you are having a great week. For me it feels like time is moving but I am stuck in place. I don’t know if that means I’ve “checked out” like I have a habit of doing in times of stress or if I just can’t keep up. I’m thinking it’s more or less that I’ve checked out and I am running on auto-pilot.

I have always had a great way of shutting down when things are pretty tough. It’s not a bad thing, per say, but it’s not really a good thing either. Do you know the term fight or flight? Well, it’s a survival instinct and over the course of my life I don’t know if I am fighting or flighting but I am surviving and I suppose that counts for something.

Anyway, I am really worried and upset about my mother. I took her to her primary doctor on Monday. I was dreading going because I was worried she was going to be awful and nasty but that wasn’t the case at all. She was in a really good mood and chatted the whole time. The doctor told her “Point blank — you may not drink. Not a sip or a sniff even. NO drinking.” She went on her comeback that she is 69 and she will drink and blah blah but she didn’t get crazy.

She didn’t get crazy with me after we left and she told me to stop at the liquor store. She tried to threaten me that she would take a bottle of pills but when I asked her if she was going to rephrase that or if she wanted me to drive straight to the hospital for threatening suicide she dropped it. She said she didn’t know what she was going to do about getting liquor and I told her that this isn’t who she is and that she only really wanted it now was because she was told no. I told her to focus on cooking and baking for the night and that would keep her occupied and happy.

My brother complained about how big of a mess there was in the kitchen because mom had been cooking again and I told him that was great. I told him what I told her and I told him to compliment her food and thank her. Then I went on about how all 3 of them need to appreciate and be verbal about appreciating one another more. The three of them have terrible self esteem and it’s because they are all chronically complaining and bickering. They need some positivity. A LOT of it.

Her neurology appointment is in 3 weeks, I really hope she can make it until then without being hospitalized again. I miss my mom and as much as I preach about them not being positive I sure do wish I appreciated my momĀ  better when she was herself.

My mom isn’t doing any better

My mom was back in the hospital again on Thursday. I thought if I went down there and talked to them they would keep her and get to the bottom of what is going on with her but they didn’t. They wouldn’t admit her to the psyche ward because when they interviewed her she wasn’t a threat to herself or others. They said if it’s low potassium making her act like a maniac her primary doctor would have to help her and if it’s dementia a neurologist would have to help.

This time she was admitted for being drunk. She was physically attacking my dad and brother after my dad hid the whiskey from her. She was taking off her clothes and running outside screaming things. When the police came she was being sexually vulgar towards them. This is not my mom. Her alcohol level was .02 the limit for being unable to drive is .008 the woman doing the psyche evaluation said .03 would be inebriated. My mom still insists that she only drinks 2 drinks a day and was horribly offended when we said she was an alcoholic.

So there are two problems — the alcohol abuse, obviously, and something with her brain which is strongly exasperated by the alcohol.

I’m going to her primary doctors appointment on Monday and will see what he says. I’m not expecting any answers but more work to do. Forming a relationship with her doctor is probably a good idea also.

It’s hard being around my mom though. She’s really mean and says horrible things. I know it’s not really her talking but it still gets to you. My poor dad and brother, I don’t know how they are doing it. She’s always had a nasty streak but now it’s 24/7.

Covered in Dust

The house is covered in dust after yesterday’s session of pulling out the closet. Aidan took the boys to Target and the mall and while they were gone I went to work!

Demolition is hard work and messy work. I only pulled a little bit out — I can’t imagine how crazy it will be in here if we actually ever pull the other walls down. The hardest part though was actually deciding whether to get to the point of no turning back.

After getting all of the inside of the closet down I had to give myself a few pep talks to keep going. Not because I was tired or scared but, you know, I was destroying my house in the hopes of something better.

I suddenly just went for it and smashed the shit out of the drywall. There was no turning back. After working most of the drywall off and cleaning up for the 3rd time I took a step back and looked at the work:

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I smiled! The room felt better already. Not having that awkward closet there really makes it feel bigger, being able to see the ceiling in that space. I forgot how tall my ceilings are but this view reminded me!

After Aidan came home with a super awesome surprise and the boys I made them dinner and helped get the boys settled. The surprise that Aidan brought home was a digital antenna for the tv! We have been cable free for 3 years and I love Roku and wouldn’t ever go back to cable but being able to watch regular tv now is so exciting lol! Logan didn’t understand what commercials were and said, “What is going on? What is wrong with this thing?” Ha! So funny..

Back to work I went once they were in good shape. I just wanted to get the rest down so I could be finished the demo part. That didn’t happen though because many of the screws were were buried in the wood and it was slowing me down a lot. It was bedtime for the kids so I had to call it quits for the night.

When I woke up this morning this is what I it looks like now:

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Not much left to do on the demo side. I just have to remove the rest of the frame and then the last bit of drywall. I will have to figure out how they attached those wood strips to the walls also but I am not doing that today. We have a party to go to!

After all of the demo is done I need to do a good dust and vacuum session!

I have the vision that this room will be better without the closet! I can’t believe I actually went ahead with it. I’ve been wanting to do it for years.

Woo hoo for smashing things :)

The itch couldn’t be ignored any longer

Yesterday I was glad it was Friday. I was feeling somewhat energetic and almost positive. I cleaned a little, took care of small things I was avoiding and then decided I was overly sick of the awkward closet in the living room.

It was time to remove it.

I took off the door and emptied out all the contents. The little kids were thrilled to have a new space to play in. It was like Dr Who in here for a few hours while I stared at the space contemplating putting everything back.

I grabbed my phone and sent Aidan a picture. I suppose I was looking for a thumbs up or a little encouragement from him.

I suppose he was wishing he had played house with another woman:

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So without his support I left it alone for a while. I needed a second opinion. Regina would be on my team.

When she woke up Logan explained to her, “There is a dumb wall with a hole in it and Mommy is getting it out!”

Regina then snapchatted a picture of my work to her BFF and captioned it “Mom started another “PROJECT'” to which BFF replied “Of course she did” (this was the BFF that was here when I decided to pull out the fireplace.)

Surely Regina agreed with me that this stupid thing hogging up valuable real estate needs to come out, right?

“We need the closet to put our stuff in.”

“No! We don’t!” I yelled.

She knows there is no sense in arguing with a lunatic. She shrugged and went upstairs.

We actually do need somewhere to put all of our stuff but that will be for me to worry about later.

For now, I just want someone to be excited to rip the thing out!!
At least I have the little kids on my side.

I grabbed a hammer and started bashing the inside of the stupid wall — I was met by multiple 2×2’s. I grabbed a long screwdriver and pried. It didn’t do much.

I found a bronze 1971 Trinidad and Tobago penny — It was a sign! This closet is coming down!

Maddox started picking up little pieces of drywall to put in his mouth. It was another sign — The wall wasn’t coming down, right now.

When Aidan got home from work he engaged my craziness and checked out my work thus far. He didn’t yell and had a gleam in his eyes (probably thinking about the woman he should have shacked up with).”We’ll have so much room for activities!!” I assured him. He was only interested in what was for dinner.

After we ate dinner he knocked out some of the drywall. Then immediately after feeding my fire he told me all the reasons we shouldn’t do this right now. I heard the man but I want that fucking wall out.

I gave up for the night. Now I am well rested and still want the wall out. So I am going for it. All for roughly 3 square feet of more space. It will be glorious!

 

Class of 2016

I am so happy and proud to say that Regina pulled it together in the last few days of school and earned her diploma! Seriously. I doubted her and she admitted to me before the ceremony she had even doubted herself.. but she did it!

I am a very proud mama :)

Right now she is on a vacation with her Dad and his girlfriend in California. They’ve been gone for almost a week and are driving up the coast. She deserves that awesome trip more than anyone I know and I am so glad that they took her.

Even though she hasn’t been gone for too long I really miss her being here. With Marshal away and her not here it is giving me a little taste of what life will be like when they move out. Those days are numbered now I suppose.

I was admittedly really sad at her graduation and cried a bit on the way home. I kept giving myself the lecture “Who cries at graduation?” I’m guessing a lot of parents do. I can’t believe how fast time moves.

“She just randomly tears the house apart..”

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Regina: Mom, what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this damn screw out!

Regina: Why?
Me: I’m taking the fireplace out.

Regina: Ohh..

Regina’s friend: You’re taking it out or putting it in?
Me: Out

Regina’s friend: Wait, the fireplace.. You’re putting it in or taking it out?
Me: I’m trying to take it out.

Regina to friend: My mom is weird. She just randomly tears the house apart. You never know what she is doing. One day we woke up to a wall missing.

Me: Well, I never used this and I hate it and I found out yesterday it was ventless so I can just take it out but this fucking screw won’t turn.

Regina’s friend looked puzzled but it’s true. When shit around here bothers me enough and after some thinking and investigating I tend to jump right into a project.

We’ve been talking about removing this stupid gas fireplace (that I’ve not used once in 11 years) for quite a while and it suddenly occurred to me that it might be one of those ventless ones everyone is warned about using.

Before just ripping it out though I went up into the attic to find the instruction manual the old owners kindly left for me when I closed on the house. Hurrah for organized homeowners :)

Sure enough this stupid thing is ventless. Sure enough I want it out of here as of 11 years ago. So I tried to remove it. But I failed and before I decided to go hardcore I stopped because it is connected to a gas pipe coming up from the basement. Aidan needs to help me with this. Tomorrow.

I can’t wait to see what is behind this stupid fireplace. Peeking into the huge gaps that weren’t ever sealed up when the previous people installed it I can see the exposed brick of the exterior wall. This tells me that the wall itself is original but honestly the mantel doesn’t make sense and the stack for the actual unused chimney is only about 1’6″ wide so why they would build a four foot wall around it is beyond me.

In any case.. Now that Aidan finished painting the room I plan on tearing the fireplace out and the wall down.

He loves me.

I’ll tell you what.. Once we do that we will have about 5ftx2ft more space in the room. Also, I want to take out the closet which is not original to the house. The problem with that though is that I need a coat closet down here. It’s where we keep the coats. And the vacuum.

Anyway .. I need the fireplace out this weekend and then we will go from there.

TGIF!