Not even a wiff

Good morning, happy hump day everyone! I hope that all of you are having a great week. For me it feels like time is moving but I am stuck in place. I don’t know if that means I’ve “checked out” like I have a habit of doing in times of stress or if I just can’t keep up. I’m thinking it’s more or less that I’ve checked out and I am running on auto-pilot.

I have always had a great way of shutting down when things are pretty tough. It’s not a bad thing, per say, but it’s not really a good thing either. Do you know the term fight or flight? Well, it’s a survival instinct and over the course of my life I don’t know if I am fighting or flighting but I am surviving and I suppose that counts for something.

Anyway, I am really worried and upset about my mother. I took her to her primary doctor on Monday. I was dreading going because I was worried she was going to be awful and nasty but that wasn’t the case at all. She was in a really good mood and chatted the whole time. The doctor told her “Point blank — you may not drink. Not a sip or a sniff even. NO drinking.” She went on her comeback that she is 69 and she will drink and blah blah but she didn’t get crazy.

She didn’t get crazy with me after we left and she told me to stop at the liquor store. She tried to threaten me that she would take a bottle of pills but when I asked her if she was going to rephrase that or if she wanted me to drive straight to the hospital for threatening suicide she dropped it. She said she didn’t know what she was going to do about getting liquor and I told her that this isn’t who she is and that she only really wanted it now was because she was told no. I told her to focus on cooking and baking for the night and that would keep her occupied and happy.

My brother complained about how big of a mess there was in the kitchen because mom had been cooking again and I told him that was great. I told him what I told her and I told him to compliment her food and thank her. Then I went on about how all 3 of them need to appreciate and be verbal about appreciating one another more. The three of them have terrible self esteem and it’s because they are all chronically complaining and bickering. They need some positivity. A LOT of it.

Her neurology appointment is in 3 weeks, I really hope she can make it until then without being hospitalized again. I miss my mom and as much as I preach about them not being positive I sure do wish I appreciated my momĀ  better when she was herself.


My mom isn’t doing any better

My mom was back in the hospital again on Thursday. I thought if I went down there and talked to them they would keep her and get to the bottom of what is going on with her but they didn’t. They wouldn’t admit her to the psyche ward because when they interviewed her she wasn’t a threat to herself or others. They said if it’s low potassium making her act like a maniac her primary doctor would have to help her and if it’s dementia a neurologist would have to help.

This time she was admitted for being drunk. She was physically attacking my dad and brother after my dad hid the whiskey from her. She was taking off her clothes and running outside screaming things. When the police came she was being sexually vulgar towards them. This is not my mom. Her alcohol level was .02 the limit for being unable to drive is .008 the woman doing the psyche evaluation said .03 would be inebriated. My mom still insists that she only drinks 2 drinks a day and was horribly offended when we said she was an alcoholic.

So there are two problems — the alcohol abuse, obviously, and something with her brain which is strongly exasperated by the alcohol.

I’m going to her primary doctors appointment on Monday and will see what he says. I’m not expecting any answers but more work to do. Forming a relationship with her doctor is probably a good idea also.

It’s hard being around my mom though. She’s really mean and says horrible things. I know it’s not really her talking but it still gets to you. My poor dad and brother, I don’t know how they are doing it. She’s always had a nasty streak but now it’s 24/7.

He squashed me with a King

Two weekends ago I left you guys with a real cliff hanger.. I was tearing out the closet in the living room and had needed a little help getting the last few screws and the frame out. The screws were buried deep into the 2×4’s so I had to ask Aidan for help. I really wanted to do it all myself but just a little help at the very end almost counts :)

Aidan removed the screws and together we pulled out the frame. It was glorious! So much room for activities!! And now the moment I just know you’ve all been waiting for..


Ta-da!!! No more awkward closet! I told Aidan I would start working on the walls to remove the wood peices where the shelf was resting, patch the plaster, get a new corner guard, and paint once my weekend of visiting Marshal was over. I planned on spending this week and weekend getting it done.

Aidan had other plans in store..

While taking a pit stop on the turnpike on the way up to Marshal, Aidan sent me this picture..


At first I had no idea what I was looking at. After a minute when I realized I was ecstatic! Seriously. This man rocks my socks in more ways than one!! He was actually removing the fireplace and the wall behind it that took up a big chunk of real estate! This picture was after he pulled out the huge mantel, which we thought was solid wood — turns out it wasn’t!


Nope it was hollow all the way through. Insanity! Anyway, he got it out all by himself but was waiting for his dad to come over to pull the fireplace out because of the gas line. Of course, OF COURSE, there were some issues though.. There were water lines and electric lines running up the chiminy stack which we were planning to expose. Yeah, the water lines were run through a metal vent that is used for forced heat. Yup. But that was okay because my man and his dad are handy and a good team and got that shit in order!


There is also a section of the floor that was removed to put the vent through but they have that covered to!


The next day they worked hard and pulled the fireplace out. Halla-freakin-lugh-ya!! I hated that worthless danger thing!


Aaaand then they discovered knob and tube electric that was live. Yay. We just love old houses and shoddy upgrades, don’t you?


But that didn’t stop them! Well, not really. We can’t rip the wall out that is in between the dining room and living room, but more on that later, this post is about victory! Anyway when Regina, the boys and I arrived home at 11pm Sunday night we were greeted by 3 tired, frustrated and a little (dare I say) aggravated men who were covered head to toe in dust.

My living room is glorious though and it feels huge!

Regina was confused as all hell because I didn’t tell her. I though she’d be doing cartwheels like I was inside but instead she was just saying “What the hell happened to my house?” LOL

You guys, I am so excited! We are keeping the strip of brick from the chimney exposed and it is in great shape! It will need to be sealed but that’s all! Yes! The long section of brick (the exterior wall) will be dry walled over and I will have so much more room (for you guessed it –activities) this room is going to be awesome!

I’ll update you once the dry wall is up :)

And to this guy..


I pulled out a Queen of Hearts with my closet demolition but you slammed down a King! I love you so much, thank you for being so fucking awesome and insane like me :)


I don’t know how to help my mother

Okay, there is a lot to write about. A LOT. I can’t connect everything into one post so I guess I will start with the worst of it and then I’ll show you what my living room looks like in another post?!

My mother. My mom. About 6 months ago my brother started noticing that she was beginning to act a little differently, I even told Aidan that she was the happiest I had ever known her to be in all my life. It was nice to have her happy, cheerful and excited for life.

She was having issues with her potassium levels and once prescribed potassium she began to feel incredible. She was full of energy, had lost a ton of weight and was feeling more capable than ever to live an energetic and positive life. She joined a gym and started to clean out her house. She was happy to be around her family and friends.

Little by little her mood and energy began to drop. She would blame it on her potassium levels and then began to drink more alcohol. Over a few months her craziness started to make us wonder what was going on. I thought she may be bipolar, my brother thought it was the beginning of Alzheimer’s, most of the time everyone including me thought she was a full blown raging drunk. She was getting lost frequently, for hours at a time, driving very far and not knowing how she got to where she was. Siri became her friend and she spoke of the electronic helper on her iphone as if it were a real person. I thought she was being funny about it but now I wonder if she really thinks it is a person..

She’s been falling all over the place, cursing everyone out, family, doctors, strangers on the phone. Her favorite thing to say is “You’re a fucking douche bag” to anyone who offends her or annoys her. She’s cursed out close friends at their parties, the cops have been called on her at doctors offices and she blames this all on potassium but sees nothing wrong with her behavior.

Last week I got a message from my brother that my mom went missing again. She had left the house without her purse or phone and told my dad and brother that she was going to the doctors. She didn’t have an appointment and after she hadn’t returned for 4 hours my dad began to get really worried. This was the second time in as many days that she disappeared without her phone but this time she was driving.

He called the police and they put out a national missing persons alert, knowing that her mental state has been what it should be. About 15 minutes later my dad got the call that firemen found her about 3 hours from the house. She was parked in a middle lane of a divided highway, facing the wrong direction. Think about that. Parked on a highway . Facing the wrong way.

She was taken to the hospital and was completely disoriented. She had NO idea what was going on.

Aidan drove my dad up to her the next morning and said she was completely out of it. She thought she was near our house. She thought she was in New York. She didn’t remember the trip to NYC she had just taken with my dad a few days before (where she also got lost).

She stayed there for a full day and some hours before my dad brought her home AGAINST MEDICAL ADVICE and without a diagnoses of any kind. She cussed me out on the phone when I told her I wanted to go to the neurologist appointment with her, told me she loved me and wished me a long and happy life before hanging up on me when I told her this has nothing to do with her potassium.

My dad is frozen. Ignoring it all, still buying whiskey, not making her doctors appointments and not grasping what is going on. I know that he has always depended on her for everything and that this is really hard for him. He’s not being neglectful on purpose, he just wants his wife of 40 years to be herself and doesn’t know what to do.

My mom is out of her mind. There are many stories of the craziness she has been pulling this week alone and maybe I’ll talk about them another time but this post is already getting long.

I’m worried about my mom and don’t know how to help. Today I am going to call the police and ask them to do a welfare check if she is still acting like she was yesterday. She needs medical help and she is putting herself and others at risk at this time. My dad will probably be mad but relieved. I don’t know what he will be, I don’t know what he is doing.

So yeah. That’s the newest bad issue I am facing. It’s always something, right?

Sweet child of mine

There’s not much to report on the closet this morning. Yesterday we had a Baptism to go to for our nephew and while I tried to remove the rest of the frame before getting ready to leave I ran into trouble.

I removed 3 of the beams without trouble but when trying to get the last three out I had a really tough time. Many of the screws were over drilled and too far into the wood to reach with the drill bit. I got a screwdriver and was able to manually unscrew a few enough to the point that I could us the drill but some are stuck in there good and I am not strong enough. Also there is a screw head that is stripped because they just didn’t stop drilling I suppose.

I was getting flustered and a little disappointed that I would need help but thankfully Aidan seems happy to give me a hand. We were going to try to do it last night after we came home from the party, but Maddox and Logan were not about it. So we just enjoyed the boys instead.

Today is Maddox’s first birthday. I am going to sound like every other parent on the planet right now when I say I can’t believe he is one! It went by so fast. Too fast. My sweet baby. My last baby. He’s a pain in the ass sometimes but he really is the sweetest, funniest little boy you can imagine.


He’s walking, almost running even. He’s trying to talk and already says more than a few words. Dada is his favorite to say! He calls me Dada unless he’s crying then he says Mama. He says his brother and sisters names and calls the cat something I can’t quite make out.

He has the personality if a comedian and kisses Logan goodnight every night by toddeling into their room once Lo is in bed and leaning over the bed railing to give him a kiss. It’s the sweetest thing ever.


Last night when I was giving him kisses and hugs and telling him about his birthday I said that I only have 17 more of these days left. I was really sad to think about that just because with Regina turning 18 next month I know all too well how fast those 17 years are going to fly by. My stance has changed from OMG I have another how many years left?! To slow down, life is moving too fast!


Happy birthday munchkin and a wish for a hundred more, we love you so, so much xoxo!


Covered in Dust

The house is covered in dust after yesterday’s session of pulling out the closet. Aidan took the boys to Target and the mall and while they were gone I went to work!

Demolition is hard work and messy work. I only pulled a little bit out — I can’t imagine how crazy it will be in here if we actually ever pull the other walls down. The hardest part though was actually deciding whether to get to the point of no turning back.

After getting all of the inside of the closet down I had to give myself a few pep talks to keep going. Not because I was tired or scared but, you know, I was destroying my house in the hopes of something better.

I suddenly just went for it and smashed the shit out of the drywall. There was no turning back. After working most of the drywall off and cleaning up for the 3rd time I took a step back and looked at the work:


I smiled! The room felt better already. Not having that awkward closet there really makes it feel bigger, being able to see the ceiling in that space. I forgot how tall my ceilings are but this view reminded me!

After Aidan came home with a super awesome surprise and the boys I made them dinner and helped get the boys settled. The surprise that Aidan brought home was a digital antenna for the tv! We have been cable free for 3 years and I love Roku and wouldn’t ever go back to cable but being able to watch regular tv now is so exciting lol! Logan didn’t understand what commercials were and said, “What is going on? What is wrong with this thing?” Ha! So funny..

Back to work I went once they were in good shape. I just wanted to get the rest down so I could be finished the demo part. That didn’t happen though because many of the screws were were buried in the wood and it was slowing me down a lot. It was bedtime for the kids so I had to call it quits for the night.

When I woke up this morning this is what I it looks like now:


Not much left to do on the demo side. I just have to remove the rest of the frame and then the last bit of drywall. I will have to figure out how they attached those wood strips to the walls also but I am not doing that today. We have a party to go to!

After all of the demo is done I need to do a good dust and vacuum session!

I have the vision that this room will be better without the closet! I can’t believe I actually went ahead with it. I’ve been wanting to do it for years.

Woo hoo for smashing things :)

The itch couldn’t be ignored any longer

Yesterday I was glad it was Friday. I was feeling somewhat energetic and almost positive. I cleaned a little, took care of small things I was avoiding and then decided I was overly sick of the awkward closet in the living room.

It was time to remove it.

I took off the door and emptied out all the contents. The little kids were thrilled to have a new space to play in. It was like Dr Who in here for a few hours while I stared at the space contemplating putting everything back.

I grabbed my phone and sent Aidan a picture. I suppose I was looking for a thumbs up or a little encouragement from him.

I suppose he was wishing he had played house with another woman:




So without his support I left it alone for a while. I needed a second opinion. Regina would be on my team.

When she woke up Logan explained to her, “There is a dumb wall with a hole in it and Mommy is getting it out!”

Regina then snapchatted a picture of my work to her BFF and captioned it “Mom started another “PROJECT'” to which BFF replied “Of course she did” (this was the BFF that was here when I decided to pull out the fireplace.)

Surely Regina agreed with me that this stupid thing hogging up valuable real estate needs to come out, right?

“We need the closet to put our stuff in.”

“No! We don’t!” I yelled.

She knows there is no sense in arguing with a lunatic. She shrugged and went upstairs.

We actually do need somewhere to put all of our stuff but that will be for me to worry about later.

For now, I just want someone to be excited to rip the thing out!!
At least I have the little kids on my side.

I grabbed a hammer and started bashing the inside of the stupid wall — I was met by multiple 2×2’s. I grabbed a long screwdriver and pried. It didn’t do much.

I found a bronze 1971 Trinidad and Tobago penny — It was a sign! This closet is coming down!

Maddox started picking up little pieces of drywall to put in his mouth. It was another sign — The wall wasn’t coming down, right now.

When Aidan got home from work he engaged my craziness and checked out my work thus far. He didn’t yell and had a gleam in his eyes (probably thinking about the woman he should have shacked up with).”We’ll have so much room for activities!!” I assured him. He was only interested in what was for dinner.

After we ate dinner he knocked out some of the drywall. Then immediately after feeding my fire he told me all the reasons we shouldn’t do this right now. I heard the man but I want that fucking wall out.

I gave up for the night. Now I am well rested and still want the wall out. So I am going for it. All for roughly 3 square feet of more space. It will be glorious!