The itch couldn’t be ignored any longer

Yesterday I was glad it was Friday. I was feeling somewhat energetic and almost positive. I cleaned a little, took care of small things I was avoiding and then decided I was overly sick of the awkward closet in the living room.

It was time to remove it.

I took off the door and emptied out all the contents. The little kids were thrilled to have a new space to play in. It was like Dr Who in here for a few hours while I stared at the space contemplating putting everything back.

I grabbed my phone and sent Aidan a picture. I suppose I was looking for a thumbs up or a little encouragement from him.

I suppose he was wishing he had played house with another woman:




So without his support I left it alone for a while. I needed a second opinion. Regina would be on my team.

When she woke up Logan explained to her, “There is a dumb wall with a hole in it and Mommy is getting it out!”

Regina then snapchatted a picture of my work to her BFF and captioned it “Mom started another “PROJECT'” to which BFF replied “Of course she did” (this was the BFF that was here when I decided to pull out the fireplace.)

Surely Regina agreed with me that this stupid thing hogging up valuable real estate needs to come out, right?

“We need the closet to put our stuff in.”

“No! We don’t!” I yelled.

She knows there is no sense in arguing with a lunatic. She shrugged and went upstairs.

We actually do need somewhere to put all of our stuff but that will be for me to worry about later.

For now, I just want someone to be excited to rip the thing out!!
At least I have the little kids on my side.

I grabbed a hammer and started bashing the inside of the stupid wall — I was met by multiple 2×2’s. I grabbed a long screwdriver and pried. It didn’t do much.

I found a bronze 1971 Trinidad and Tobago penny — It was a sign! This closet is coming down!

Maddox started picking up little pieces of drywall to put in his mouth. It was another sign — The wall wasn’t coming down, right now.

When Aidan got home from work he engaged my craziness and checked out my work thus far. He didn’t yell and had a gleam in his eyes (probably thinking about the woman he should have shacked up with).”We’ll have so much room for activities!!” I assured him. He was only interested in what was for dinner.

After we ate dinner he knocked out some of the drywall. Then immediately after feeding my fire he told me all the reasons we shouldn’t do this right now. I heard the man but I want that fucking wall out.

I gave up for the night. Now I am well rested and still want the wall out. So I am going for it. All for roughly 3 square feet of more space. It will be glorious!



All that can happen in 4 months..

Well, well, well. Here I am writing for the first time in 4 months. Four. Actually there was one drunken post at one point but then I removed it because it was just crappy nonsense. To say that things have been busy around here would be true and to say they’ve been crazy would be even more truthful. Honestly, I feel like there isn’t time for anything other than living right now and my nerves have been shot but might be starting to settle down soon. Maybe.

Marshall is away at a residential treatment facility. He will be there for about a year and should help him a lot. This was court ordered by a very nice judge who probably saw the desperation in my eyes when I requested he be placed. As you know I love all of my kids more than anything and I had been wanting him to be sent somewhere for a while for his own good, as well as for ours. He and Aidan had it out one night and it got really, really bad. I had Regina call the police because Marshal was seriously out of his head attacking Aidan. It was scary. That was in February and he hasn’t been home since.

If I am lucky and can get back into the swing of things I will talk more about Marshal in later posts.

I really miss writing so much.

Regina is another stressor.. Her graduation is next Thursday and she is scrambiling at the last minute to get her work done so she can actually graduate. Why she does this I just don’t know. She’s failing cosmetology because of her attendance. She’s months and months behind on her on-line courses. She’s playing hardball with her head in the clouds. Do I think she’ll get it all done in time to participate in graduation? Yes. I’m I worried sick that I’m wrong and she won’t? Yes. It’s her life and I can’t do it for her. All I can do (and do daily) is nag. Fun for all.

On top of those two my mother has been very odd and apparently has/had begun drinking around the clock. I don’t even know what to write about her other than I am worried. I think she is going through some mental health issues and trying to self medicate with more alcohol than usual. Trying to help my dad and brother help her has been difficult because I am so far away, have two little boys that I don’t want to bring around her and also I have to do a few driving trips each day to get or drop off Regina at work or school or what have you. I’ve also honestly have been hoping my mom gets her head out of her ass and gets her shit together. Not realistic.

The little boys keep my days busy. Maddox is starting to walk now and has been getting into everything for a while now. Logan has been getting jealous and they both constantly want my attention to be directed at themselves. It’s rough, it’s normal and I’m blessed to be able to be home with them. They drive me crazy though. :)

My mentalĀ  state hasn’t been so hot but I know it’s because of everything that’s going on. I feel stretched thin but it will all fall into place. My medication was switched and it’s taking it’s time working. I have gained 20 pounds since starting the first med and it’s making me miserable. This new med that replaced it though should help me lose that weight. I hope so though because I really feel disgusting. It’s terrible. Especially concidering that I had lost so much weight after having Maddox, who will be a year old next month.

Logan’s 3rd birthday is on Thursday. Since the boys birthdays are so close together I am having a combined party. I don’t want to do all of the work twice and we are far enough away from family that one trip is good for them to make instead of two.

In August Regina will be 18. Holy fucking shit batman. I would be close to the end of child hood! But that’s not the case at all. I’ve got another 17 years before I can say that. Sigh. I love the kids, each and every one of them but this Mama is tired. Really tired. I turned 38 on Friday. My life is chugging along and of my whole life I’ll have had 35 years of kids under 18. If that doesn’t keep you young then I’m fucked.

I’ve been working on the stairwell and woodwork in the house and it’s been moving quickly. I’ll update more soon, Logan just woke up.

“She just randomly tears the house apart..”


Regina: Mom, what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this damn screw out!

Regina: Why?
Me: I’m taking the fireplace out.

Regina: Ohh..

Regina’s friend: You’re taking it out or putting it in?
Me: Out

Regina’s friend: Wait, the fireplace.. You’re putting it in or taking it out?
Me: I’m trying to take it out.

Regina to friend: My mom is weird. She just randomly tears the house apart. You never know what she is doing. One day we woke up to a wall missing.

Me: Well, I never used this and I hate it and I found out yesterday it was ventless so I can just take it out but this fucking screw won’t turn.

Regina’s friend looked puzzled but it’s true. When shit around here bothers me enough and after some thinking and investigating I tend to jump right into a project.

We’ve been talking about removing this stupid gas fireplace (that I’ve not used once in 11 years) for quite a while and it suddenly occurred to me that it might be one of those ventless ones everyone is warned about using.

Before just ripping it out though I went up into the attic to find the instruction manual the old owners kindly left for me when I closed on the house. Hurrah for organized homeowners :)

Sure enough this stupid thing is ventless. Sure enough I want it out of here as of 11 years ago. So I tried to remove it. But I failed and before I decided to go hardcore I stopped because it is connected to a gas pipe coming up from the basement. Aidan needs to help me with this. Tomorrow.

I can’t wait to see what is behind this stupid fireplace. Peeking into the huge gaps that weren’t ever sealed up when the previous people installed it I can see the exposed brick of the exterior wall. This tells me that the wall itself is original but honestly the mantel doesn’t make sense and the stack for the actual unused chimney is only about 1’6″ wide so why they would build a four foot wall around it is beyond me.

In any case.. Now that Aidan finished painting the room I plan on tearing the fireplace out and the wall down.

He loves me.

I’ll tell you what.. Once we do that we will have about 5ftx2ft more space in the room. Also, I want to take out the closet which is not original to the house. The problem with that though is that I need a coat closet down here. It’s where we keep the coats. And the vacuum.

Anyway .. I need the fireplace out this weekend and then we will go from there.


Back on the grind..

Well, it’s the second morning of winter vacation being over. Yesterday morning didn’t go badly but it required Regina being driven to tech. This morning wasn’t horrible but Regina is staying home because she was up all night unable to sleep and Marshal gave me a hard time about waking up. Also, Aidan is supposed to be up right now but I don’t know if he is.

Oh, and it’s 12 degrees outside. Far below freezing and way below what the temperature was last week. This crazy weather has everyone scratching their heads, for sure.

Just a few minutes ago I posted the post I wrote the other day. After writing it I didn’t post it because I was planning on making the room look nicer and then re-writing it (like I said I wasn’t going to do in the post) but I never got around to it. So, instead of wasting a perfectly good and realistic peek into our lives I just posted it.

After writing that post the other day I finally printed up some pictures to fill a few frames that have been sitting empty on the shelves. I also printed new pictures for the frames in the hallway just to update them. One of the frames got knocked off of the wall a while back when Marshal was harassing Regina and it broke. Despite my efforts to “fix” it with painters tape (yeah.) it is still falling apart.

The frames were only like 8$ from Marshall’s or TJ Max or something so the cost isn’t an issue. It’s the frame itself. I like it and don’t know if I’ll find something quite the same. That’s how it goes. Anyway the mats are a cream color and don’t really look so great next to the pictures I printed so I eventually will need to look for some new ones. Yes, the color of the mat bothers me more than the fact that the frame is falling apart.

After the post I did the other day I got some more hardcore cleaning done. I cleaned out the fridge, the spice cabinet and the food cabinet. Steamed the kitchen floors, including the grout with the jat spray attachment and then moved on to the bathroom where I used the jet spray on every steamable surface I could. The tile on the walls, the toilet, the tub and of course the floors. It worked out great.

I have plenty more to write about but I hear Aidan snoring. He’s as bad as the kids today. I have to go wake him up again and continue writing about my super exciting life another time.

Have a great day :)

New Year, New Hair Color

Good morning, happy New Year! It’s 2016, holy cow, time flies! This year marks 20 years out of high school for me. Those 20 years went by so fast! My whole life is going by fast when I think about it.

Last night wasn’t anything exciting here. I drank wine and sat with the little kids while Aidan made meatball subs on homemade rolls. They were yummy but didn’t keep me awake. I fell asleep before 10 I think.

Regina had two girlfriends sleep over. They hung out here and there and everywhere. I woke up to them all sleeping in her room though so I feel glad.

Marshal had two friends over but then got mad at his oldest friend who moved a few years ago but was back in town for the night. They didn’t hang out because his girlfriend was with him. Marshal’s feelings were hurt badly. Maybe he will see him today and feel better. He’s passed out in his bed so I feel glad.

It’s a good morning when I wake up and the kids are here, safe. Sometimes but not too often lately I wake up and they aren’t home and I panic so this was a good start to the New Year.

Yesterday Regina colored my hair for me. It’s been light for almost a decade I guess but I went back to brown. I’d been thinking about it for a while and went for it. I’m glad I did :)

It’s the darkest brown we could find that wasn’t black and it looks nice. It’s a little darker than my natural color, maybe 2 shades? It made my hair look much nicer. Shiny and full of body :) It’s still flipping at the ends because it’s dried out but I’m going to keep growing it.

Well, Aidan just came down grumpy and told me Maddox is looking for boob. I told him he normally just eats food for breakfast but he didn’t grab one so I guess that means I need to go feed him. Ugh. He (Aidan) has been crabby for a few days now and I don’t get it. I’ve asked him what was wrong but haven’t gotten a clear answer. He said he is sad that he has to go back to work soon but I’m not buying it. Who knows..

Happy New Year everyone :)

And now for this week in ridiculousness..


I had mentioned the other day that I swapped rooms around downstairs to make space for a Christmas tree. I put the furniture from the dining room into the living room and vice versa.

I didn’t take pictures of the rooms before and after and now I am wishing I had..

Why can’t I do it now? Well, because Aidan complained the loudest and won.

Not so ridiculous yet.

I’m going to jump back a little further in the week here and talk for a minute about our bedroom and it’s need for a rug.

Drafty Odd Shaped Rooms

I am sure that I mentioned before that my house is roughly 100 years old. Having such a mature home comes with it’s quirks. In this case it’s super fucking freezing in here due to a lack of insulation behind the plaster walls.

In our bedroom we have a “bump out” which I suppose was a feature back in the early 1900’s but for now it’s not because the floor in this space is above our porch. There is no insulation in the floor or walls so it makes the room super freaking cold.

I used to have my bed in the space of the bump out and it looked nice but it was just entirely too cold in the winter.

One random day last year I decided to rearrange the whole room and put the bed against an interior wall. (Are you noticing a theme here with me moving furniture?)

Unfortunately, this meant that I now had to put Aidan’s dresser and ridiculously over sized tv in front of the window but that’s a whole other story. I will say though that I HATE Aidan’s furniture and how I still don’t know why I ever let him move it in here.

Back to the cold room:

Even though moving the bed made it a little more comfortable to sleep, the room is still very cold and drafty. Seriously the floor on the bump out side of the room feels like an ice cube.

So Aidan said we would get a rug to keep the draft out and insulate the room a little better.

Yay! I love getting new things for the house :)

Rug Hunting

It took us no less than hours and hours spanned over 4 days (maybe it was 5 or 6?) to finally order a rug.

At first I wanted wool. They are the best. And it had to be grey. Because neutral’s the way to go.

But jeeze, wool rugs — they shed like mad and I’ve already been going wild battling mini-sheep as it were. And holy shit — I forgot how expensive they can be.

So we looked and looked.

  • Pottery Barn — Crazy expensive and nothing stood out.
  • Overstock — Nice selection, nothing standing out.
  • Wayfair — Nice choices, decent prices. One rug stood out but it ended up being machine made. It was pretty nice and a much better price than wool.

Finally after searching unsuccessfully for days I decided to broaden my horizons.

I stared looking at machine made rugs. At Home Depot of all places.

Within a half hour of looking at the rugs I found two that I liked and thought Aidan would like. I also found one that made my heart go pitter patter but it’s main color was hot pink so..

Aidan said he liked the first of the two I send him a picture of and I bravely showed him the rug of my dreams fully expecting to be laughed at all the way to China.

He said, “Fine. Send me the link. I’m ordering it today.”

“Really???!” I jumped for joy. I thought it was a joke.

At this point I know he was just so fucking sick of looking at rugs he’d agree to anything. History was made, ladies.

So he ordered the rug and I begin to get nervous. What if it’s a disaster? What if my vision for the room doesn’t come together?

Trust the process..

And now back to the downstairs..

The rug came in on Friday and even rolled up I was feeling really anxious. The piping along the edges is hot pink. WTF did I do?

I rolled it out into the then living room and hated it.

Hated it.

What was I thinking? It’s so bright and colorful and so different than my boring neutral taste. OMG.

Then something happened.. Logan woke up from his nap and loved the rug.

I started to look at it differently.

When Aidan asked how the rug looked I said “It certainly is colorful.”
His reply: “You don’t like it.”

I could see the smoke coming out of his ears. I sent this picture to him..


It was at this point I began to fall in love.Something about seeing it in the picture just settled my nerves.

“It looks good! Are you sure you don’t want to keep it down there?”

Aidan saying that made me feel even better about my sporadic choice.

All of my dreams were coming true!

I could finally have living space to stretch out in. I wouldn’t have to move every fucking thing around every fucking time I needed to get up in that crammed (front) living room!

I was on cloud 9 thinking of the possibilities of once again having a large living room complete with my brightly colored rug!

Marshal came home and gave the rug 2 thumbs up. My day was getting better and better!

Then my joy bubble was burst.

“I still don’t like the dining room in this space. It doesn’t fit.” Aidan said when he came home from work.

Mother fucker.

He won’t let up on it. He never spends time down here but yet he still won’t let up on it. Grrr.

The tree

Yesterday morning Aidan took Logan to pick out the tree.

Quite frankly I was sick of hearing how much he doesn’t like the rooms swapped. I decided to choose my battles (he did let me order a hot pink rug after all) and while they were gone I moved everything back to the way they were before.

I wasn’t happy about it but I knew Aidan would be, and well, I love him and want to make him happy. I tried to focus on the positives and got excited for the Christmas tree that would warm up the house soon.

This is my lovely view now:


Fucking awesome.

He decided to get the tree straight out of Christmas Vacation and now it is towering in the fucking house taking up more space than all of the furniture combined.

Seriously do you see the size of this tree?

I think he got it on purpose to piss me off because I switched the rooms around. He’s passive-aggressive like that.


I’ll give the tree a trimming on Monday and fix it as best as I can.

Also I will focus on the transformation of my bedroom and do breathing exersizes while I’m downstairs. My room’s going to look super fucking awesome when I am done with it. I am debating between 3 paint colors and stalking the web for a few other items.

Seriously, trust the process.

Oh and hopefully the rest of the living room will be painted this weekend, it’s now going on four months. Can we move on??

After 15 Years — Getting Past the Idea of Perfect

I am a slacker. A procrastinator. A perfectionist.

Perfectionism (psychology)

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Not to be confused with Perfectionism (philosophy).

Perfectionism, in psychology, is a personality trait characterized by a person’s striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards, accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations.[1][2] It is best conceptualized as a multidimensional characteristic, as psychologists agree that there are many positive and negative aspects.[3] In its maladaptive form, perfectionism drives people to attempt to achieve an unattainable ideal, and their adaptive perfectionism can sometimes motivate them to reach their goals. In the end, they derive pleasure from doing so. When perfectionists do not reach their goals, they often fall into depression.

I’ve had pictures in storage, still in the processing envelopes, from since I had developed them, going back 15 years. I’ve needed to put them into albums for so long and thought of it as such a huge project because I wanted them to be in order and in nice thoughtful albums. Instead of putting them in albums though the pictures dating back to my first sons birth just sat in a big box in my attic.

On Saturday I found an empty album in the attic while looking through some clothes. I don’t even know where the album came from, but on a whim I grabbed it and all of the photo envelopes. I immediately went downstairs and sat in the dining room quickly putting the pictures in the empty slots. I didn’t put them in order first, or waste time thinking about it; I just put the photos in the album one by one until I was done. It took about 30 minutes and I was moving quickly.

There were a lot of memories that I was hiding away because I was letting perfectionism stand in my way. Letting that idea go was freeing though and now we all have memories to look at and enjoy. And the best part — no one cares that they aren’t in order.

This is just one example of a way I am trying to get past a glip in my personality traits. One example of how IĀ  am trying to free myself from the self-imposed pressure. Do you have this perfectionism trait also?? Do you find that it holds you back from getting things done? Have you ever really thought about it? If you are a chronic procrastinator like me I suggest you ask yourself why and if it even hints to wanting things you do to end up larger than life, or perfect, why not try to let that idea go and just get whatever it is done. I’m telling you — it feels good!