Not even a wiff

Good morning, happy hump day everyone! I hope that all of you are having a great week. For me it feels like time is moving but I am stuck in place. I don’t know if that means I’ve “checked out” like I have a habit of doing in times of stress or if I just can’t keep up. I’m thinking it’s more or less that I’ve checked out and I am running on auto-pilot.

I have always had a great way of shutting down when things are pretty tough. It’s not a bad thing, per say, but it’s not really a good thing either. Do you know the term fight or flight? Well, it’s a survival instinct and over the course of my life I don’t know if I am fighting or flighting but I am surviving and I suppose that counts for something.

Anyway, I am really worried and upset about my mother. I took her to her primary doctor on Monday. I was dreading going because I was worried she was going to be awful and nasty but that wasn’t the case at all. She was in a really good mood and chatted the whole time. The doctor told her “Point blank — you may not drink. Not a sip or a sniff even. NO drinking.” She went on her comeback that she is 69 and she will drink and blah blah but she didn’t get crazy.

She didn’t get crazy with me after we left and she told me to stop at the liquor store. She tried to threaten me that she would take a bottle of pills but when I asked her if she was going to rephrase that or if she wanted me to drive straight to the hospital for threatening suicide she dropped it. She said she didn’t know what she was going to do about getting liquor and I told her that this isn’t who she is and that she only really wanted it now was because she was told no. I told her to focus on cooking and baking for the night and that would keep her occupied and happy.

My brother complained about how big of a mess there was in the kitchen because mom had been cooking again and I told him that was great. I told him what I told her and I told him to compliment her food and thank her. Then I went on about how all 3 of them need to appreciate and be verbal about appreciating one another more. The three of them have terrible self esteem and it’s because they are all chronically complaining and bickering. They need some positivity. A LOT of it.

Her neurology appointment is in 3 weeks, I really hope she can make it until then without being hospitalized again. I miss my mom and as much as I preach about them not being positive I sure do wish I appreciated my mom  better when she was herself.

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