I suppose this deserves a title

Little boxes on the hillside..

Yesterday wasn’t as productive as Monday was but it was still an okay kind of day. I was able to wrap 2 more gifts and do 2 loads of laundry.

After dinner Aidan and I loaded the little guys into the truck and we drove around looking at Christmas lights. It was fun! I feel like there are more houses decorated this year than there have been in the past. Maybe because it’s so warm out?

We saw one crazy house that looked pretty cool. They had lights on EVERYTHING including the lawn. It didn’t look tacky either. It was bright and colorful and neatly done. There is a tacky house around the block from us, but it is awesome. They have SO many lights and decorations, you can’t help but to smile.

“I want presents and Santa”

We are going to take the littles to see Santa today at the mall. I thought Logan would be afraid of him because he is very shy at times but the way he talks about him I think it’s worth a try. I don’t know that I will put Maddox on his lap but we will see how it goes.

I’m really happy that Logan is getting excited this year. Last year he didn’t understand at all and even though he still doesn’t really get it he knows Christmas is something to be excited for.

He keeps saying he will get presents and Santa and that he is excited. I’m pretty sure he thinks he will open up Santa wrapped in a present but I’ve been reading The Night Before Christmas to him in hopes he understands Santa won’t be a gift lol

I try so hard to stay away..

As many gift wrapping supplies as I picked up I still need to get some more boxes. I’ll go to Target for them but stay focused. The only other thing I am getting is coffee because we are through the bag we got the other day. Regina and I drink a lot of coffee.

The only things I have left to wrap are the sheets for my parents and the toys for Logan and Maddox. All of Aidan’s family’s gifts need to be wrapped but we will do that together, if he wants my help.

We need to put the kitchen set together but that should be too hard and we will do that when we get home on Christmas Eve. I’d say we do it ahead of time but I think it will be tricky to get up the basement stairs once it’s assembled.

We are not French but like their cookies..

This afternoon Regina and I are going to make macaroons for her to bring to her uncles Christmas Eve party. We’ve only made them once before and they were a little tricky but they taste delicious.The ones I have a recipe for are Hazelnut and wow they really are yummy. And fancy.

I think I’ll do the sugar cookies I wanted to make yesterday today and she can bring some of them over there too.

Flashbacks that can’t be avoided..

Well, I sure did talk a lot today and I completely avoided the topic of Marshal purposely because he is really, really super pissing me off. I want to make it through Christmas before I really go nuts but at this rate I don’t know if I can last.

Serenity Now! I keep saying it. It’s the season of magic so I gotta believe.

The whole situation reminds me of a Christmas Eve about 15 years ago. My youngest brother was about 17 or 18 had a drug problem (which eventually led to his death) and he came to the house, maybe escorted by police I can’t remember who brought him there, while my mom was having a party. He was there to get things before checking into a drug rehab that night, on Christmas Eve.

My mom was furious with me for not letting him bring a portable cd player that he “bought” with the credit card he stole from my wallet. She was so mad at me. At the time she was directing her anger at me but I know she was worried sick for him. Rightfully so.

Anyway the ex and I were wrapping presents for the kids and she came into the room super drunk and nasty screaming and yelling that I was a horrible sister and that I didn’t care about my brother and maybe that it was all my fault. It was really bad and me and the ex just kept pleading with her to be quiet and not to wake up the kids because she’d ruin Santa for them.

I hate thinking about that night. It was the first time my ex saw my mom like that and it flashed me back to my early teen years when she used to fight with me. I know now that she was just reacting to a situation that was dire and one she had no control over but at the time and during my teen years it was scary and sad to live through those moments.

Getting back to Marshal — his behavior just keeps bringing me back to that night. Not that he has a drug problem the way that Jonny did, but that he needs to be put somewhere that he can be safe and get help. It’s a scary and sad feeling and even though I am the parent in the situation I somehow still feel like a young adult being yelled at and screamed horrible accusations at for the way things are unfolding.

I want to cry and yell as my mom did but for the sake of everyone I have to control my emotions and hold it together. I certainly can’t point the finger at anyone to try and take my pain away. Marshal isn’t dying a slow death the way my brother was so it is very different, but he is killing his future slowly and it just reminds me of the whole situation. God, I hope he isn’t going to turn out like Jon or my other brother for that matter.

Yikes, I went to a place I wasn’t planning on going..

Anyway, NJ.com has been running a series of the heroin epidemic in NJ and they included the names of over 5,000 people who have died since 2004. My brother was on that list.

Screenshot 2015-12-23 07.33.43

It’s hard to think about and even harder to talk about but it’s life and real. 5,000 people. Gone. They are the dead. It’s much sadder and scarier to think of those who are battling the problem now. All the sweet innocent people who have lost themselves. They were happy children and loving siblings at one point. All of the families that are effected by this. No one deserves to go through this type of pain.

Okay well that’s enough for today because I turned very dark rather quickly.



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