Feeling Unsure

Yesterday was meh. I was feeling positive when I woke up but after a few hours and a few stressful phone calls to the insurance company I was full of anxiety that I just couldn’t shake. For two hours, even after resolving the issue I was calling them about, I couldn’t settle down. My chest was tight, my breathing was shallow and my brain wouldn’t be quiet. I did calm down after two hours but I still don’t understand why I was having a panic attack.

Maddox wasn’t cranky yesterday so that was great. Logan was being sort of bratty but he is going through some jealousy right now and the terrible two’s so I wasn’t affected much by his behavior.

I had my doctors appointment in the afternoon. Regina watched Logan at home and I brought Maddox. He was good for a long time but at the end of the appointment he started getting fussy. Thankfully once we got in the truck he fell asleep. The doctor gave me an increase on the Zoloft to help with the anxiety more and another script for a different medication. It’s one that causes weight gain and excessive tiredness but isn’t supposed to be bad for breastfeeding.

I did a little research last night and found mostly complaints of weight gain. Ugh. I do not want to gain any weight, not even a pound.He prescribed me the lowest dosage possible when I told him that. I still want to do more research before I take it. I’m still not sure 100% about the breastfeeding, so I want to do more reading.

I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I felt “normal” I really can’t. My head has always been noisy and I’ve always been anxious and sad and just generally unsettled. Not feeling all of that every day would be really wonderful, I think. I just can’t imagine it, ya know? I’ve always been this way.

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