I was diagnosed with PTSD 4 years ago as a result of a domestic violence event. While I am in a better place now I still have almost daily flashbacks and extremely high anxiety.
I’m working with a new therapist now who wants me to write about the intrusive thoughts I get throughout the day. She says it will help me to get the thoughts out so that we can eventually work through them and get past them.
In this series of posts titled Random Thoughts I just plan to write what is on my mind. There won’t be order in the timeline and I probably won’t edit them because they are hard enough to write as it is. I expect that my memories will become darker as I continue this series as my memories begin to resurface.
When you are with someone for over ten years there tend to be a lot of memories around everyday things. With me that is the case anyway. After meeting with my therapist again yesterday I was given the same homework assignments — but to be taken more seriously this week. She wants me to exercise so I release endorphin’s and she wants me to write about traumatic events so I release the memories.
Last night I left off with a memory of an argument in my car when the kids were pretty young. Unfortunately there are a lot of stories of things that happened in or to my vehicles. For starters my ex didn’t have his license but somehow convinced me to let him drive my brand new car. He drove it quite a bit and little by little it started to become destroyed with no explanations of why or how or even acknowledgement that anything had happened. Dents, my alarm magically stopped working, scratches and hacked up repairs to my breaks.
One day he was driving, we were in the city, and he changed lanes without checking the mirrors. He ended up sideswiping a car right in front of a horse patrol officer. When he spoke with the lady that he hit and the officer he gave them a fake name. He blamed the small accident to me having pains (I was 7 months pregnant with my first.) Nothing ever came of it but his attitude and unapologetic nature should have been a red flag for me.
Another time years later when we were separated we were arguing about him not giving me child support. He was being an asshole and I told him that I was paying my mom rent to live there. He called her and found out that I wasn’t (he still should have been paying child support, but that’s another issue) he was so mad at me for lying that he broke the back door of my car. He bent it backwards and destroyed the hinges. I couldn’t get it to shut all the way. He promised to pay the repairs if I didn’t call the cops. I didn’t like a dummy and he never paid the $1,200 to get it fixed.
One year, on our 1st wedding anniversary we were coming home from a party. The kids were with us and it was pouring rain, he was drunk and insisted on bringing an open beer in the car for the ride home. It turned into a huge argument while we were driving. In the pouring rain. He wouldn’t get rid of the beer.
He always screamed and yelled at me for the roads I would take while I was driving. I would get lost often because I became so frantic while driving. Eventually I had panic attacks when I’d get lost or was running late from all of the chaos he had created over the years.
Aside from directly fucking my confidence up while driving he also fucked our cars up and almost killed us by not paying attention when he finally got his license and started to drive. He’s driven through red lights religiously, has driven drunk more than a few times, crashed into someones yard destroying their fence and the van and causing $20,000 worth of damage. He bribed that person who lived there and gave him cash for the damage in exchange for their word not to call the police.
There are plenty more stories but these are just the ones fresh in my mind. If I remember more I’ll write about them, too.