I was diagnosed with PTSD 4 years ago as a result of a domestic violence event. While I am in a better place now I still have almost daily flashbacks and extremely high anxiety.
I’m working with a new therapist now who wants me to write about the intrusive thoughts I get throughout the day. She says it will help me to get the thoughts out so that we can eventually work through them and get past them.
In this series of posts titled Random Thoughts I just plan to write what is on my mind. There won’t be order in the timeline and I probably won’t edit them because they are hard enough to write as it is. I expect that my memories will become darker as I continue this series as my memories begin to resurface.
All of the big kids birthday parties were always left up to me. To plan, to get supplies for, to host and to clean up. Not only did they all fall on me but I was always criticized about what I had planned and my ex never even attended the parties. They were all on me and it was exhausting.
It’s hard to do things that are supposed to be fun for your kids when it is all thankless work in the end. I stopped birthday parties when the kids reached 10. I told them they were too old for parties but the truth was that I was tired of how their father wasn’t involved except for telling me how I should have done instead.
For my best friend’s wedding I was her maid of honor. Things were tough here and my car ended up breaking down on my way to the rehearsal dinner. My best friends parents let me use their car to go home the next day to pick up my gown and my ex who was my date. He was hung over and refused to come with me. To my best friends wedding. Where I was the maid of honor. The kids came instead. The three of us had fun and I remember dancing with them and all of the other kids. I should have been dancing with my plus one though. He never apologized.
That same best friend and I worked together and she saw a huge bruise on my arm one day at work. She asked me about it and was even more shocked when I showed her the rest of the bruise.. It was on my boob. Funny thing.. Boobs can be bruised if you are punched hard enough. He punched me because we were driving to the city (I was the one driving) and I wanted to take the route I was familiar with and not his last minute idea of which way to go. He was screaming and yelling and punching the car. The kids were in the backseat, maybe 2 & 3 years old. He could have killed us. I was on a major highway driving 70 mph and being punched.