Yesterday was my first appointment with my new therapist. I was feeling really anxious about going to therapy on my own and a big part of me kept looking for excuses to cancel but I did not. Bringing the little ones with me was a little challenging while I was filling out my paperwork. Maddox woke up and was crying and Logan was pulling all of the pamphlets out of the holders. Once we were brought to her office though Maddox fell back asleep and Logan got into playing with his toys. They were both very well behaved and let me and the therapist speak without much interruption.
I had been told by our last family therapist that I really should talk to someone independently and with my most recent diagnose of post-partum depression I figured there would be no better time. I contemplated just saying I was there for that but the truth is that I wasn’t and if I want to get past all of my issues once and for all letting her know everything would be the best way to get help. I told her about my long term depression, anxiety and the PTSD that my abusive ex-husband left me with. I told her about past therapy, individual and family. We talked about my family a little from childhood to parenthood and parenthood again.
She gave me three things that she wants me to start working on as a way to help rid the anxiety and a how to get to know myself.
- The first thing she wants me to do is exercise 30 minutes a day, even if it’s just taking walks with the kids. She said it will release endorphins that will help clear my mind and cope with panic attacks.
- The second thing she wants me to do is create a bucket list. She said this will help me to get to know myself as someone other than a mother.
- The last thing, and most challenging thing (ironically) is writing. Not writing like I do here but writing about my life with my ex. The history, the incidents that let me to feeling the way I do. She said the only way I will be able to move past it all is to address it head on. It’s in the past and can’t hurt me anymore. I have issues with this one. I’d rather not think about that stuff, but I guess she’s a professional and I went to her for help so I should try her advice.
The truth is I have always wanted to write about my life, thinking maybe it could help someone. When I’ve tried though it was just too much. Created too much stress, too many panic attacks, too many terrible feelings. I also don’t know where to write about it. Here? Another blog? A journal? If I get a journal it will be very private and I risk the kids finding it. If I write here I might scare off the few readers I do have. If I write in a new blog it will be a whole new project and place to keep up with. What do I do?
I can feel perfectionism creeping in here and I just need to do these things and start right away. I don’t need a new stroller to walk. I don’t need to think of ridiculous things for a bucket list. I don’t need to put too much thought into writing. I just need to do it. All of it, starting today.