Before I get down to the nitty gritty of this post, I want to take a moment just to talk about a few important key things. This might seem a strange way to start a post but there is a long history involving myself and my son that needs to be addressed before I can write about what happened yesterday afternoon with Marshal, so there can be a deeper understanding of this boys behavior.
Back when I started this blog in December of last year it was because of my need to write. I had a perfectly good blog that I had previously abandoned but did not want to go back to because of my following. While there were a lot of wonderful people that I “met” while blogging at the last address (and whom I wanted to keep in touch with/continue to share my journey with) there were also a lot of my family members who were following. It was great to have my families support and keep their interest but I felt very censored about what I could openly talk about without being looked down on or gossiped about. Specifically concerning Marshal. If you are one of the few reading from my last blog please know that I sought you out and felt comfortable with sharing all of my life with you. I don’t feel judged or looked down upon by you and I am so happy you are here.
My son, who is almost 16, has a dual diagnoses of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). Both of these diagnoses stem from a combination of genetics and life events. While ADHD is very common and generally harmless, ODD isn’t something that is just slapped on anyone and more of an issue and concern to deal with. If left untreated the ODD could lead to Conduct Disorder which is something no one wants to have. It’s attached to criminal activity of the worst kind, narcissism and sociopathic behaviors. If you choose to look any of these up and feel alarmed, you probably should. Though my ex-husband was never officially diagnosed with any of these terms, I know after living with him and dealing with him over the better half of my life and through all of my research he is most certainly a narcissist and quite possibly a sociopath. This behavior was directed towards his family (us) and directly towards Marshal for all of his life.
I’ve talked a little about my ex-husband and the fact that he is abusive but I’ve not gone into much detail about specifics. I talked a little more in depth on my old blog so readers who have carried over from there have a bit more of understanding of how the divorce came about and some of the things we have gone through. While I’d like to talk openly about the abuse there are very difficult memories that I just can’t deal with. I wanted at some point to be open and direct about dealing with these types of people but I can’t without triggering ill effects. Some day perhaps I’ll be able to face the things that have happened but for now that won’t happen. The little things I may say here and there have been discussed openly with therapists over and over and I am versed in what feelings may be brought up.
Aside from the ADHD and ODD it is suspected that Marshal also has post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which is something, along with chronic depression and fibromyalgia (FM) that I am diagnosed with. I know this is a lot of information and there are a lot diagnoses to take in but I want to be clear about our background before I just talk about things that are somewhat normal to us that may be shocking to those who haven’t dealt with these types of situations before.
Now that I’ve gotten all of that out of the way I think I’ve addressed the black and white reasons we are involved with the therapy I talk so much about here. Therapy is a big part of our life, it has been, and I imagine that it will be for for some time to come. While Marshal takes medication that helps greatly without therapy it wouldn’t be effective in terms of changing his mentality. He could easily slip into conduct disorder and that is what I am (we are) working so hard to avoid. Marshal is a good kid, with a kind heart who was just very misfortunate to have an awful father and a weak mother. His life should be so much different and his outlook on it should be so much better. I back pedal every day trying so hard to change his view on the world and my only hope is that he will not grow up to be his father, hating the world.
Now to what happened yesterday..
Regina came storming into the house after school yesterday. She slammed the door, threw her book bag and phone down on the floor and yelled “I fucking HATE him!” Being sort of used to her dramatic behavior I dryly asked, “What did he do now?” With her voice still raised she told me that he kicked the trash can over onto her and said there were bees on it. She was pissed first because he kicked the can at her and second because if there were bees there why would he try to get her stung. Not understanding he magnitude of his outburst at that point I agreed with her he was an ass and we moved into the kitchen.
A minute later Marshal came in the back door to the kitchen and started dancing obnoxiously. We ignored him for a minute, he got bored and went down to his room.
Regina and I were talking about something and he came back up. “Give me your lighter” he demanded of Regina. “No,” she said with irritation in her voice. “give me your lighter” he said again, this time with anger behind his voice. “No, not after you just kicked that at me!” she now yelled. This went on a few more times before he started to lunge at her, swinging his fists.
“Leave her alone Marshal! You have no right to demand anything from anyone, back away!” I yelled. From there he started to jump around and yell loudly. I engaged and yelled for him to leave the room. At that point he started to get closer to me and her with each bounce of fury. He dropped something out of his hand and then got really angry. It was a bowl with a little bit of weed. He was furious at this point and started screaming at us to give him a lighter and help him find his weed. (This is NOT acceptable in my house and he knows it. This is an ongoing problem that I deal with and that he knows is not allowed in my house.)
Now I am furious and start yelling to get out for him to go on a long walk, to get that shit out of my house before I call the cops, and for him not to return until he is acting normal. He yells in my face some more and then kicks my new refrigerator and leaving a dent in it. I am livid. I grab my phone and out the door he goes.
Needless to say it took me a lot of time to calm down. I’m actually still pissed off and my blood is still boiling, especially considering the fact that once he came home (even though he was calm and probably high) he refused to take responsibility for his actions. He refused to apologize, he refused to reflect, and he cockily mentioned that it was Regina’s fault for not giving him her lighter.
Everyone ignored him last night. I cut off the wi-fi and he won’t be having friends here this weekend. Even though he tried engaging us a few times through the evening (and even demanded I put the wi-fi back on) he was on his own. No internet or family to talk to. I needed time to calm down and I needed time to think. I can usually figure out what causes these outbursts and work from there, but the only thing I can come up with about this event is that he possibly didn’t take his medication yesterday. I’m not sure that’s the case though because the pill isn’t where I put it and he doesn’t give me a hard time about taking it anymore. It scares me to think that he did take it but still became that explosive.
My therapists will be here in an hour and I’ll have a chance to talk with them about the event, which is reassuring, but the whole situation is troubling. Nothing like this (him becoming violent) has happened in over a year. Situations like this were every day occurrences for some time and I am really afraid that he will resort to this if I don’t tackle the situation head on. He’s bigger now, he’s stronger. He’s also had a lot of support and learned coping skills so I really hope this was a one time ordeal as opposed to an ongoing behavior.
Thanks for reading, I really needed to get that off of my chest, for venting and for not letting it go by the wayside. This needs to be addressed, it’s not one of those things that I can just let slide and expect a resolution.