It’s Tough Not Having All the Answers

It’s 4:30am and I’ve been awake for two and a half hours. I had been just laying in bed, listening to Aidan snore and having Henry toss and turn at my head, trying desperately to fall back asleep. It gets to a point though when it’s not worth it to lay there anymore so I decided to just get up. I’m tired, really tired but my brain or my body won’t shut down again. I’ve been taking Benadryl like my OB suggested but (as I figured) it wears off by the time insomnia usually hits so it’s not even worth it to take anymore.

Pregnancy Week 27
Yesterday I had my three hour glucose test. They took my blood four times and now my veins are bruised and sore. Sitting in the doctors office, in the waiting room between hourly blood draws, was painful. The chair was uncomfortable and a few of the people who came in and brought their kids with them were just awful. They were yelling at their kids, getting rough with them and telling them to “shut up.” Such trash around here. The kids weren’t misbehaving and weren’t any older than 3. It made me feel really sad for them and angry at the parents. Of course I said nothing to these people, it wasn’t my place. Plus I didn’t want to get into an argument with these awful people but jeeze if I had balls I would have. It was such an uncomfortable time. Instead I just tried to read my book and hoped they would be called back quickly.

The garden
After I got home from the doctors I scarfed down some eggs and bacon that Aidan had left for me and tried to lay down for a bit. I didn’t rest long and the next thing I knew I was in the backyard planting some more of the flowers we bought on Saturday while Aidan and Henry played upstairs. I only have six more pansy’s to put in the ground. I couldn’t finish yesterday, my belly made it really hard to be so close to the ground so I had to stop. I’ll finish up today, though. I hope everything will grow in nicely, I got kind of creative in the back bed and it could go either way.

I don’t know if I should make coffee right now or lay on the couch. I have to get the big kids up in an hour and a half and I don’t think I’d do anything other than lay there like I was upstairs. Even if I fell asleep after a little I’d only have to get up and feel like crap. I want to go do some laundry but I know I’ll just wake Marshall up and that wouldn’t be nice. Not being able to sleep really sucks.

I’m making coffee.

Struggling with Marshall
I don’t know how to help Marshall. His behavior has been pretty decent but he seems to care less and less about the things he needs to do, like school work and keeping his room clean. He wants to rush and then gets things done half-assed or avoids doing them at all. For example, I got a call from his Emotional Support teacher (who works very closely with him) about a small project he needs to turn in for English. They watched the movie Minority Report in class and had to write a film review on it. Marshalls teacher offered to help him write the four paragraphs during lunch but he refused the offer. I told his teacher I’d help him with it. Marshall came home from school though and said he only saw part of the movie. So my solution was that we’d watch it together. Yesterday evening I made arrangements so we could watch it but he was playing on his phone the whole time. I started bringing up the paper and asking him how he could write it, giving some examples and trying to get him thinking about what needed to be written. We got as far as a half-assed attempt to write only one of the paragraphs and he just gave up. He said it isn’t due till Friday and a few other excuses as to why he didn’t need to do it right then and there. I didn’t want to argue and get myself all worked up so after pushing him for a bit I finally said, okay enough.

Another example is yesterday afternoon (before the movie) when I was planting flowers he asked if I wanted him to help me. I said, “Yeah that would be great!” As I was trying to show him how to plant them though he wasn’t listening and wanted to just do it his way. I tried explaining that we had to do it a certain way or the plants would die and he got agitated with me and left. I wasn’t mean to him and I didn’t lose my patience or anything like that, he just didn’t want to be taught (told) how to do it. It was frustrating to me because I know he really wanted to help. I can’t understand why he wouldn’t just learn for 5 minutes and then be able to do it on his own. I feel like he does this in a lot areas in life and I just want to help him but I don’t know how. I’ll ask my therapists today what they think might encourage him to want to do good work. I know he doesn’t feel good about not trying hard but I think the thought of trying hard then failing is a biggie for him so he just doesn’t bother?

Between worrying about Marshall and worrying about Regina and her break-up no wonder I’m not sleeping well. I try really hard to not worry about the little things but my kids are always big things to worry about you know? It’s hard being a parent when things are going smoothly and it’s even harder when they aren’t.

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3 thoughts on “It’s Tough Not Having All the Answers

  1. Oh I know how you feel. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but really the younger they are the easier it is and the older the get the worse it gets. Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems. Still it just all sounds pretty normal. Just a bunch of life crap. Start early and wind down in bed. Sleeping isn’t going to get any easier the farther longer i.e. the bigger you get as you well know. I had 5 and that is so hard. One of my favorite shows is 19 kids and counting (IDK why). Life is still full of a bunch of kid crap for me and sleeping doesn’t offer me much rest. I pray a lot and just let it go because there really is nothing I can do about it anymore. Mine are adults 22, 26, 29 and 32. But it is painful to watch and unfortunately I cry a lot but I was a great mom and I just have to let it go and go live my life <3 You will get through this, and I hate to say it but you are still in the easy part, OMG <3 Rest during the day with little power naps, they really do kind of help. :) Love ya <3

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  2. Thanks for your words though they weren’t what I wanted to hear :) your advice is always welcome though. I’m sorry you have such a hard time with your kids, that makes me sad for you. I hope that I’ll stay as close with my kids as I am now and that they will turn to me as they get older and need advice. I hope that the work we are doing now will help them become independent and successful, like every parent hopes for their own. As for taking naps, sometimes that works out, other times it doesn’t. Today it won’t but maybe I’ll sleep well tonight.. Or tomorrow;) take care and thanks again

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  3. I’m sorry if I made it sound so bad. Parenting is an extremely humbling job. It doesn’t come with a handbook. I did the best I could and there was nothing more I could do. I guess I was just saying that when your kids grow up, and they will they will be their own people. The choices they make our sometimes hard to watch, but you have to let them go and make those choices. I am close with some of them and some of them I got get to make my choices too. I miss them being little and I had a great time raising them, even though it was challenging at times. I <3 all of them and I have faith that someone is watching over them and hopefully the story is not over. I try to tell myself this is just a moment in time. I wouldn't change a thing about my life or my family or my choices. I <3 your blog because it is real, with life's challenges. Get a good night's sleep and happy gardening. Love <3

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