A Man and His Throne: Get the Eff Out of the Bathroom

I gave Aidan a bunch of shit last night about the amount of time he spends in the bathroom everyday. Seriously, he spends a lot of time in there; more in one day than I do in a full week.

I know men usually take a little longer to do their thing but he takes it to a whole new level and not just once a day. What the fuck are you doing in there? I find it hard to believe that he is going to the bathroom, I mean he’d weigh nothing if he was actually getting rid of matter for that long so many times a day.

There are a few things that really bother me about his little vacations to the bathroom.

First off he is hogging the bathroom that Regina and I share with him. It’s super annoying when I have to pee he’s in there, especially now that I’m pregnant. When I have to go, I really have to go as in right now. I can’t wait thirty minutes, I don’t want to pee my pants. Then he has nerve to get irritated if he has to “use the bathroom” and someone else is in there. Let me just buy you a fucking toilet to carry around with you, okay? It would make my life easier. Maybe.

The second thing that bothers me is that he thinks it’s okay to just disappear for hours and use the “bathroom” excuse as a place to hide, as if there aren’t things that he might be needed for or could be helpful with. Yeah, I’m onto him. The worst is a night when he pulls his predictable trip just as I start to fall asleep. Like clockwork, right as Henry is getting his before-bed-burst-of-energy, he grabs his tablet and hands me the remotes. Keep in mind that I have to wake up early, two hours earlier than him, so I fall asleep early. I have to get two other kids up for school. Meanwhile, he likes to stay up late and sleep in with the baby. So it would only make sense to escape at 8:30 right? Why not wait an hour until you have hours of alone time. Oh, it wouldn’t be as much fun to sit on the toilet when everyone is asleep. WTF.

The last thing that really pisses me off is that he spends so much time in the bathroom yet I have to rush because there is something I’m always needed for. I wish I could just lock myself in the bathroom for hours. What I wouldn’t give for some “private” time! I’d be a hell of a lot more productive with my time though. Instead of looking on the internet like he does I’d use the time to pluck my eye brows, paint my nails, shave my legs, do a mask, blow dry my hair, put on make up. You know, things that women need to do so they don’t look like shlupps. And do you know what? I’d be able to get all of that done faster than the amount of time he spends one of his trips to the bathroom. Ugh, it just really gets to me that I can’t find the time to do any of that stuff, yet he can afford himself three hours a day to sit on the toilet and read video game forums or do God knows what else.

When I started giving him shit last night as he was heading to his hideaway he tried to act like I was the one who was wrong. He came back (quickly this time, for the first time ever) prepared with a Google search of “Why men spend so much time in the bathroom.” It didn’t help his case at all though as the women were complaining about 20-30 minute trips that their men take. Seriously, he is easily in there for 40-80 minutes a shot. I am not joking. Every time. 3 times a day. When I scoffed at his “research” and told him he never takes that short of a time — if he did I’d have a heart attack– he acted totally delusional. He tried to say he never spent more time in there than that. I wanted to punch him but I was too tired. Instead I reminded him that he gives me the remote controls and that two or three shows pass before he returns from his little vacation every night.

I told him I am going to start timing him in the bathroom next week when he forgets about this argument and he stops “rushing to prove me wrong.” I predict that he spends 20 hours a week in the bathroom. That’s enough time to work a part-time job. 20 fucking hours and I can’t even pluck my fucking eyebrows without being hounded or climbed on or needed for something. Must be nice.

I understand his need to be alone, but seriously, dude. You stay up until 2 in the morning, use some of that alone time to sit in the bathroom if that’s what you like to do. And don’t even get me started on the showers.

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