This Saturday’s Rabbit Hole is Brought to You by Insecurity

I wrote yesterday about how quickly January has gone by and today I am still thinking the same thing. I’m feeling good about my writing; I’ve done a post just about every day of this year. I’ve only missed three days of posting in the month of January and since starting this blog in the middle of December I’ve written 46 times. I’m patting myself on the back :)

The approach I’ve taken to just writing what ever it is that is on my mind has been the only reason I’ve been able to keep up with the writing frequency. Planning posts is hard for me. I really get caught up in the planning part and get stuck.

I’ve been told by a few therapists that I am a perfectionist and that is what holds me back from doing a lot of things. I thought the first one who said it was crazy because I don’t do anything perfectly, but in truth I really do want to be perfect. In the end though that desire is a barricade that stops me from moving on things and it definitely is a source of frustration.

I suppose I always thought being a perfectionist was something good, something reserved for people who do great things, beautifully and effortlessly. Honestly the first time I was told I was a perfectionist I was thrilled that someone could think of me that way. Boy, did I get it wrong. Perfectionism is maddening. The people who do things beautifully and effortlessly are in no way perfectionists. They are probably very focused and organized and have an ability to handle stress on a level I am likely to never understand.

I have found though that when I work on things without trying too hard I actually enjoy the process. I have also noticed that my results are always much better than if I were to plan the task to death. It’s a great feeling to actually get things done especially when I can appreciate the time and work I put into whatever the task was instead of focusing on how well I didn’t do.

I don’t even know where any of these thoughts are coming from this morning. I guess just knowing that I have been able to write almost daily for the past 6 weeks has really impressed me. I will admit that there were 2 posts that I felt stress and pressure over but that is because I committed to writing them and then the perfectionism tried to sneak it’s way in. Those posts by the way were the resolution list and the menu planning steps. And really, who cares about either, other than me?

I really enjoy writing and I need to remind myself that no one really cares what I make for dinner or how I reach my decision of what to make. Seriously. They don’t and it’s not even that important to me. So long as there is food on the table, that’s what counts to my family.

What truly works for me is doing weekly menus and even though I want to do monthly menus, they might not work for me. So why have I put all of this (imaginary) pressure on myself to do something that I might not even be happy with or successful at doing? Well, I don’t know for a fact that I won’t be happy or successful, so I think I should try. I also want to challenge myself at something. Sure, this isn’t anything all that big, but for me it is a challenge.

I’m going to keep going with the monthly menu challenge. In four weeks I can decide what is best for me and realize once again that it really wasn’t a pressing matter at any point to begin with.

I suppose I am feeling a little inadequate lately because I’ve been doing things for so long that don’t feel really important. I don’t have a job and I don’t have any special skills. I don’t have any specialized education or training and I guess that is bothering me a little. I do know how to do a lot of things though, many random things that I could help people with. I think I just want to help people but as I said I don’t have any specific skills.

If you need help caulking stuff, I know how. If you need to change the flapper in your toilet, I can help. Not sure how to make delicious salsa or rib roast, I’m your girl. I can teach someone how to do a perfect manicure or create gorgeous smoky eyes. If you want to know how to pick out the best bed linens, create a pivot table in Excel, or paint your walls like a pro, I can help with those, too. I can do a lot of things well but they are all random and nothing that anyone can’t Google on their own. I don’t have a niche and it bothers me.

Well, this post has gone on about a lot of things and I’m going to stop now before I go further down a rabbit hole I can’t find my way out of. I really don’t know what the point of any of this was or why any of it was on my mind but hey, I wrote about it and got it out. I hope you all have a great day.


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