When it Takes too Long to Change

It’s the start of the holiday vacation for the kids and for my boyfriend and even though I didn’t have to wake up early I still did. I guess my body is officially on the 5am wake up clock. I know as the days go on over the next week and a half I’ll sleep later and later in the morning, but for now this is nice. Normally at this time I’d be waking the big kids up, taking trips upstairs and down to each of their rooms to make sure they are getting dressed.

This year I got them both alarm clocks for Christmas. Nice ones that they can charge their iphones and ipads in and listen to their devices from. At 80$ each I hope the kids will like them. They are always fighting over the lightning chargers and now they will be able to just plug them in right next to their beds.

Yesterday didn’t turn out well with my son.

As expected, he gave me a hard time about going to school. He refused to take his medicine and carried on a lot before it was time for him to leave. He did end up going and didn’t get in any trouble at school. When he came home he wasn’t particularly pleasant but not hostile, so I mistakenly let my guard down. An hour after him being home our therapists arrived (he and I have family therapy once a week) and quickly he began to unravel. He was awful to me and wouldn’t let me talk. Instead he chose to scream at me, near the top of his lungs, that I was a “scumball” repetitively and how he wished I would die.

This all stemmed from Saturday when I told him he had to come to my Dad’s 70th birthday party instead of seeing his friend. We got back an hour later than I thought and that “ruined” his night. He made poor decisions and went out with his sister when we got home and ended up getting jumped (we live in a shit area, remember.) While he running to get away from a group of people ended up falling and breaking his nose. He refused to let me take him to the hospital. I suspect that he was drinking.

Anyway, he was upset with me because in his mind if I didn’t make him go to the birthday party none of that would have happened.

Seriously, that’s how his mind works.

Between what happened on Saturday and then me not letting him skip school so he could drive around with his friends yesterday (combined with him refusing his medication) in his mind he truly thinks I am a “scumball.”

This screaming and horrible display went on for the better part of 30 minutes before he finally left. I kept my cool the whole time. I was trying to even understand why he was behaving so devilishly and because stooping to his level was what he wanted and would only make everything worse. After he left I became very upset and cried a lot while talking it through with the therapists. I just kept saying I can’t do this anymore.

Quick back story — my ex-husband was verbally and physically abusive and these were the types of attacks that occurred very frequently. He attacked me and my son in one way or another, almost daily, and we both have PTSD because of the ongoing years of abuse.

The therapists helped me calm down and encouraged me to call his probation officer telling me not to be ashamed to ask for help. I left her a detailed message with my recent concerns. I don’t know what will happen but honestly I can’t live like this. I’m not the enemy. I am his mother. I do everything I can and give everything that I have to this kid in hopes that he won’t turn into another man like his father.

I don’t know what his PO will say or do but honestly that is what he will have to deal with. He is making his choices and no matter how bad or good they are he needs to hold himself accountable.

One important thing about his dad is that he was never held accountable for anything. He did (does) whatever he wants and doesn’t care about anything or anyone else. He always gets bailed out of trouble (by his father) and has never owned up to anything that he’s done wrong. He blames everyone else for everything that he does. My son is exactly like that but over the past few years I’ve worked increasingly harder at breaking that mentality.

I will have him sent to juvie because he needs to know that freedom is a privilege. He needs to follow rules and laws and know that when he doesn’t there are consequences. If that makes me sound terrible then I haven’t explained he or his father and their attitudes and behaviors well enough.

Anyway. Thanks for reading if you are still here. My family is flawed but not without a fight. It’s exhausting, this life. I pray that he will turn out okay if I keep being firm and don’t turn the other cheek because it’s the easier thing to do.

I love my kids more than anything in this world and I just want them to be nice, stable and responsible as adults.

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2 thoughts on “When it Takes too Long to Change

  1. It may not seem like it sometimes, but you are doing a great job! I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and it leaves deep scars. Your son is at a difficult stage in his life as it is. I never had to deal with what you are dealing with, but I can tell you that with each of my teens, I chose firm boundaries, and encouraging independence as early as possible, A couple of them were very angry at me for awhile, but in their mid to late twenties they tend to realize that Mom wasn’t so awful after all. There are hard life lessons to be learned, and the best way to learn those is in real life, with accountability. I never have had a kid get arrested, but I’ve told all of them that if they do, they will be in jail because I’m not going to bail them out, as hard as that might seem.
    Conversely, through thick and thin, I’ve always tried to let them know that I love them and am there for them no matter what.

    Anyway, hang in there, keep writing, and be strong. May you enjoy the bright moments this Christmas season.

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    1. Thank you for your supportive and encouraging comment, Sara. I had a hard time with setting boundries and dispilining them when they were younger because their father was so tough on them that I felt like they needed me to be the less strict one. While that worked for them and I when they were younger it was very difficult for each of us when I finally had my ex removed by law and had to become the full time disciplinarian.
      I’ve told them both if they get arrested I won’t bail them out and while they have both been arrested in one way or another the police don’t require bail for juvinilles. But to stay firm in the not bailing them out of trouble I refuse to hire them attorneys or try to talk them out of trouble. I’ve been frank with the courts and told them exactly my concerns with them. I find if I’m honest with the people who want to help, they tend to help, me and the kids (though the kids don’t see it as help, yet.)

      Sigh. I could go on and on about these two kids, and I suppose that was the main reason for writing again. I need to get this stress and aggravation that they cause me out and into the open. They embarrass me because they can get into so much trouble and I raised them to what I thought were higher standards. I know they are dealing with issues, they have seen a lot in their young lives and that’s not fair. It’s understandable that they have problems and I know they will get through them. That’s the goal of everyone involved. They really are good kids and deserve to have good lives. While we are working on their issues though oh my I just want to run away and hide! I won’t though :)

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